The Dragon Queen Selection Chapter 149

CASSIAN

She sat on the edge of the chair across from my desk.

Her hands were clasped in her lap, her knuckles white. She wasn't looking at me, couldn't seem to lift her eyes from the floor.

I stood by the window, my back to her, staring out at the darkness.

The silence stretched between us like a wire pulled tight.

"How much do you know?"

Her voice was small.

Fragile.

Nothing like the woman who had faced down guards and instructors and the Queen herself.

I laughed.

It wasn't a kind laugh.

"How much do I *know*?" I turned to face her. "Is that really your question? Or are you just trying to figure out how much you can lie to me this time?"

She flinched again.

"I'm not going to lie."

"No?" I stepped closer. "Then let's start with your name. What is it, really? Who are you?"

She didn't answer.

"*Who are you?*"

"Lira." Her voice was barely a whisper. "Lira Sutton."

*Sutton.*

The name hit like a blade.

"Daughter of Lord Aidan Sutton," I said. "The man my father executed for treason."

"Yes."

"Your father was a traitor."

"He was *innocent*."

I stared at her.

"He found him guilty."

"Your father *lied*." She lifted her eyes to mine, and there was fire in them now, the fire I had seen before, the fire that had drawn me to her from the very beginning. "My father was innocent. He was only killed for knowing the truth." 

"And what truth is that?"

She hesitated.

"You're conspiring with the enemy," I said. "With Norwyn. With the dragon who wants to burn this kingdom to the ground."

"I'm trying to *stop* her."

"By helping her?"

"By..." She stopped. Pressed her hands over her face. "It's complicated."

"Is it?" My voice was ice. "Because from where I'm standing, it seems very simple. You lied about your name. You lied about your family. You lied about your *reasons* for being here. You've been feeding information to Norwyn. You've been helping them plan an attack on the palace. And you expect me to believe that you're the *good* one?"

"I never said I was good."

"No. You just played with my heart."

She went still.

The words hung in the air between us.

"Do you know what you've done?" I stepped closer. "Do you understand what you've risked? Impersonating a noble is treason. It could get you hanged. Conspiring with a foreign kingdom is treason. *Treason* is punishable by death, Lira. They would behead you. They would hang your body from the walls as a warning to anyone else who might think of betraying the crown."

"I know."

"Do you really?"

"Yes." Her voice cracked. "I know."

"Then why did you do it? Why did you come here? Why did you..." My voice broke. I hated that it broke. "Why did you make me *care* about you?"

She looked up at me.

Tears streamed down her cheeks.

"Because I had no choice."

"There is always a choice."

"Not for me." She shook her head. "Not for people like me. People whose fathers were murdered. People whose families were destroyed. People who have nothing left to lose."

"So you decided to destroy *my* family instead?"

"I decided to get justice. It's not my fault your family was the one who ruined mine." 

"This isn't justice. This is revenge."

"Sometimes they're the same thing."

I stared at her.

At the tears on her cheeks.

At the tremble in her lips.

At the woman I had held in my arms, the woman I had kissed, the woman I had *loved*...

*Still love.*

*Damn it, I still love her.*

*Even now.*

*Even knowing what she's done.*

*Even knowing she lied.*

*Even knowing she used me.*

*I still love her.*

\---

She fell to her knees.

*Actually fell.*

Her knees hit the floor with a sound that made my chest ache.

"Please," she said. "Please, Cassian. Don't tell them. Don't tell anyone. I know I don't deserve your mercy. I know I don't deserve *anything* from you. But please..." 

"Get up."

"Please..." 

"*Get up.*"

She didn't move.

I crossed the room, grabbed her arms, and pulled her to her feet. She was shaking. Trembling. Her whole body felt like it might shatter.

"Please," she whispered again.

I held her there.

My hands on her arms.

Her face inches from mine.

"Do you know what the worst part is?" I asked.

She shook her head.

"The worst part isn't the lies. The worst part isn't the treason. The worst part isn't even that you used me." I swallowed. "The worst part is that after everything you've done, after everything you've *said*... I love you."

Her breath caught.

"I still *love* you. I think I always will. Even if you cut my head off. I would die loving you." 

The words came out raw. Broken. Wrong.

"I love you, and I hate that I love you, and I don't know how to stop."

"Cassian..." 

"Don't." I released her. Stepped back. "Don't say my name like that. Don't look at me like that. Don't make this harder than it already is."

She stood before me, trembling, tears still falling.

"What are you going to do?" she whispered.

I turned away from her.

Walked to the window.

Pressed my forehead against the cold glass.

"I'm going to keep your secret."

Behind me, I heard her gasp.

"But..." 

"I'm going to keep your secret," I repeated. "I'm not going to tell my father. I'm not going to tell the guards. I'm not going to tell anyone."

"Why?"

Because I love you.

Because I'm a coward.

Because I can't bear the thought of watching them take you away or even laying a finger on you. 

"Because I'm a fool," I said.

Silence.

"When the Dragon Trials are over," I continued, "you're going to leave. You're going to disappear. And you're never going to come back."

"Cassian..." 

"I'll provide you with money. Enough to live on. I'll arrange for a house, far away, on the outskirts of Vale. You and your brother. Somewhere no one will find you. Somewhere you can live in peace."

"You're... you're sending me away?"

"I'm saving your life."

She was silent for a long moment.

"What about the attack?"

"I'll handle the attack."

"How?"

"That's not your concern."

"Cassian..." 

"*That is not your concern.*" I turned to face her. "You've done enough. You've lied enough. You've *schemed* enough. Now it's my turn to protect my kingdom. My family. My..." 

I stopped.

*My heart.*

*My stupid, broken heart.*

*That still beats for you.*

"After the trials," I said, "you'll leave. You'll take the money. You'll take the house. And I never want to see you again. If I do I won't be able to help you." 

Her face crumpled.

"Cassian..." 

"*Never.*"

The word echoed off the walls.

She stood there, crying silently, her hands pressed over her mouth.

I wanted to hold her.

I wanted to kiss her.

I wanted to tell her that none of it mattered, the lies, the treason, the betrayal, that I would burn the world down for her if she asked.

But I couldn't.

Because I was the Crown Prince.

And she was a traitor. Just like her father. 

And some lines couldn't be uncrossed.

"Go," I said.

She didn't move.

"*Go*, Lirael. Before I change my mind."

She walked to the door.

Paused with her hand on the handle.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

Then she was gone.

\---

I stood alone in my chambers.

The fire had died.

The room was cold.

And somewhere in the palace, the woman I loved was walking away from me for the last time.

*You did the right thing*, I told myself.

*You protected her.*

*You protected the kingdom.*

*You protected..*

*Who?*

*Who did you protect?*

*Because it wasn't yourself.*

*And it wasn't your heart.*