Why You Should Never Rescue Stray Demons Chapter 179

**KASIAN**

I know I promised Allie and Kacia that I would somehow make up for my… Extended absence. Decades of it. In my head, I imagined that once I finally stepped back into their lives, I’d just… Figure it out. That the apologies would come easily, that the healing would happen naturally, that I’d simply slot back into place like I’d never been missing. Turns out actually doing that is significantly harder than rehearsing conversations to myself for years. Mostly because I have absolutely no idea where to start. The woman I love, because I DO still love her, that part never changed, she isn’t the same person she was when I left. Not in a bad way. She’s stronger now. Grounded. Different in all the ways someone becomes after building an entire life without you. And she did it while raising a child alone. Our child. She became a mother while I ran away, and I missed every moment of that life. She says she understands why I was gone. She says she forgives me. And I believe her. Mostly. But there are flickers, tiny shifts in her expression, little pauses in her speech, moments where something buried and complicated rises to the surface. It’s not resentment. Not exactly. More like… The ghost of what could have been. Regret? Disappointment? A wound that healed crooked. It’s hard to be sure. I don’t know that I have the right to ask. Right now Allie is at work, which means I’m alone in her house, ‘unsupervised,’ as she put it with a very pointed look. I should probably feel offended by that, but honestly the place is nice and warm and every single thing reminds me of what I’ve been missing out on. Her kitchen smells like cinnamon. Her living room smells like lavender fabric softener. The walls are covered in pictures, Kacia through the years, Allie with her coworkers, blurry holiday photos. Obviously, none of them include me. Which is fair. But it stings anyway. I wanted to go see Kacia’s home today, see where she lives, what she surrounds herself with, what pictures are on HER walls and what her life looks like when I’m not intruding into it, but Allie rather firmly suggested that I not overwhelm her and to take it slow. And by suggested, I mean she stood in the doorway with her hand on her hip, eyebrows raised, and said, ‘Kasian, absolutely not.’ So apparently I am taking it slow. Kacia and her demon, Oz, are coming over for dinner tonight. I don’t see why the demon has to come along. I know they’re… Close. I know he was the one who protected her while I couldn’t. I know she trusts him. But still, just once, I would like to have a family meal. A real one. All of us at the same table. I’ve never had that. Not with Allie. Not with Kacia. Certainly not with my own parents. And now, on the first night I finally get one, this demon is… Tagging along. Allie claims that the meal was actually the demon’s idea. That he insisted it would make things easier for Kacia if he came along too. That he wanted the evening to be comfortable. Which, fine. Alright. I understand the logic. But the whole thing feels unfair. He gets to be a part of her life in all the ways I wasn’t allowed to be. He gets to know her habits, her moods, her laugh. He gets to show up at the table like he belongs there. Meanwhile I’m just… Hoping I don’t say the wrong thing and ruin everything before it even starts. I tell myself in my head that I’m not jealous. But I could never say it out loud, because I am absolutely lying to myself.

Kacia and Oz are due to arrive any minute, and I’ve somehow become a one man hurricane. I’ve paced the entire length of the living room enough times to wear grooves into the floorboards. Every few steps I stop to adjust a cushion, straighten a picture frame, or stare intently at a spot on the wall like it personally offended me. Allie sighs a long-suffering sigh. 

“Kas, please sit down. You’re making ME anxious.” She says gently, which is saying something because Allie is one of the steadiest people I know. I freeze, like she just used a binding spell, then drop onto the couch as instructed. Now my knee is bouncing. Fantastic. I’m basically vibrating in place like some kind of unstable magical artifact. Damn it, I’m a wreck. I wanted to seem calm. Mature. Cool. Collected. But that version of me apparently does not exist outside my imagination. At best, maybe I can aim for not completely terrified. That seems more attainable. Allie sinks down onto the couch beside me, giving me that soft, knowing look she’s always had, equal parts patient, fond, and mildly exasperated. I automatically move to put my arm around her, then freeze halfway there. My arm just hangs stupidly in the air, unsure if I’m allowed to do that anymore. I used to do it all the time. It was natural. Easy. Second nature. But I’m not the person she used to lean on. And she’s not the woman I left behind. She’s built an entire life in the years I was gone, a life I wasn’t part of. Even though she’s said a dozen times that she still cares for me… Words don’t magically rewind the clock. Not even fae magic can do that. But then Allie leans into my side, her shoulder brushing mine, silently encouraging me to finish what I started. The relief is a tidal wave. My arm settles around her, and she fits against me with the same familiar weight she always had. It’s different now, but it’s still us. And for the first time all day, something in me starts to settle. My gaze drifts to the bookshelf across the room, where a handful of framed photos sit like tiny windows into all the years I missed. My eyes catch on one of Kacia around fifteen, bright-eyed, healthy, smiling with that wide, genuine grin I’ve only seen once in person. There’s a boy beside her, Mike, Allie explained. Her unofficial adopted brother. And then there’s Tarish who has essentially adopted her as his own too. And that’s not even including Oz. That makes Three men she’s closer to than me. Three men she would turn to before she even remembered I existed. Then another photo catches my attention, Kacia as a baby. Tiny. Soft. Her bright purple hair sticking out from under a little hat. The sight hits me like a punch to the chest. That is the version of her I’ve carried all these years. The little creature I barely got to hold. The daughter I left behind and have been imagining ever since. But she’s not that child anymore. She’s a grown woman now, with a life I didn’t help build, opinions I didn’t help shape, trauma I didn’t shield her from, and absolutely no need for a father swooping in decades too late. Even if she did want one… What good am I? I have no model for this. No memories of my own parent doing anything remotely fatherly. I don’t know how to be a good father. I don’t even know the baseline. What does a decent father even do? My distress must be written all over my face, because Allie tilts her head up and studies me with concern.

“Kas? Is something wrong?” She asks. I let out a breath that feels scraped hollow.

“I don’t know how to do this.” I admit. 

“How to be the right person for her. I don’t know what a father is supposed to do.” I say. Allie’s expression softens. She shrugs lightly, as though the answer is obvious.

“You don’t need to be the right person or say the right things.” She says firmly. I frown.

“Then what am I supposed to do?” The words come out rawer, more desperate, than I intended.

“You love her. You support her. And you show up when she needs you.” She says simply. Love and support, I can do that. But…

“What if she never needs me?” The words are barely audible. Barely there. But Allie hears them anyway.

“Everyone needs help sometimes. All you have to do is show her you’re someone who would give it. Someone she can rely on.” She says. I swallow hard.

“I want to do that. But I missed so much, Allie. I’ll never get that time back. What if she never really accepts me? What if she never sees me as her father?” I ask miserably. Letting my fears tumble out. 

“She said she’d give you a chance.” Allie reminds gently.

“Yes, but what if the chance goes badly? What if she realises she hates me?” I say anxiously. Allie doesn’t flinch. She doesn’t sugarcoat it.

“It doesn’t change your job.” She says firmly. 

“Your job is still to love and support her. It’s going to be hard. You and Kacia are both stubborn, emotional people. You’re going to clash. You’re going to fight. But you’ll work through it, because you want to be in her life. And she DOES want you in hers, even if she’s scared to let you in.” She assures me. I close my eyes.

“But I ran. I hid myself away.” I say guiltily. 

“You did.” She agrees quietly. 

“And it hurt her. But she will forgive you. She will try to understand. I’m sure of it. After all… She’s been hiding herself too. Not in the same way, but she hasn’t had many chances to be her honest self until recently either.” She reminds me. Allie squeezes my hand.

“You two are alike in more ways than either of you realises. Just be yourself, Kasian. Let her be herself. Start there.” She suggests. I take a slow breath. In. Out. Stabilising as best I can. And then, a knock rattles the door. My heart lurches straight into my throat.

“They’re here.” Allie murmurs. And that’s it. The moment is here whether I’m ready or not. Here goes nothing.