Zenon's Game Chapter 214

"Maybe you want to start?" I offered, "Because I have no idea what you're thinking. I get the sense you're angry at me, but I don't know what I did."

He sighed, "You blacked out last night?"

"I know what I did. I just don't know what I did to you," I replied, feeling irritated by his assumptions.

"You threw up on me."

Except for that.

"I'm sorry I embarrassed you last night. Trust me, no one is more embarrassed by myself than me. I'm trying and I know you enjoy this untouchable status at school and I bring that down when my actions reflect on you," I said.

Zenon shook his head. "That's a cop out. You got wasted last night to hide from your own insecurities. And I'm going to call you out on that. I'm sorry for not being more aware of your feelings and for not doing more to make you feel included, but you shouldn't drink like that. Be stronger willed."

"Don't talk to me like that," I told him, "I was trying to have fun last night and I made a mistake. I agree I shouldn't drink so much but how is that a crime?"

"It's not a crime. Do you think that it's fun to lose control of your senses in a foreign country? It's irresponsible. It's not cute to be falling all over the place," he said, "What if we lost you?"

I didn't reply. I really couldn't.

"And I know you drank because you felt insecure. What have I done to make you feel that way?" he asked, "I don't understand why you're doing this after what it did to your mom."

Oof. I didn't know how to respond, so I came up with a lame excuse.

"I don't know. It didn't help how I was dressed-"

"Who cares how you dress?" he replied, "I hear what you're saying but you don't hear me. Who gives a f*ck what others think? You look amazing in this outfit as you did in your cartoon shirt yesterday."

"It's so easy for you to say."

"I know it is, but I'm telling you that it's something you need to work on. You've given me a lot of hard talks in the time we've known each other, so here's one for you. I care about you. I care about you so f*cking much and I never want to see you hurt or vulnerable like you were last night."

"You were the one who hurt me too, Zenon!"

"I made the mistake of leaving you alone too much yesterday. It was our first night out in a group and I didn't think it through. I'm sorry, but can we agree to work on building your confidence? Let me help you work on it. I don't want you to drink through pain."

That left me speechless. Down in the basement of Bryce's villa, I had lost track of my words.

"I know it hurts," Zenon said, "Trust me, I've been there. But Candy, you're stronger than me in so many ways. All I'm saying is that I don't think your happiness should be tied to the superficial acceptance of irrelevant people. They're irrelevant."

There was a winter in my childhood where I spent most afternoons after school in the library, because the heating had been switched off at home. Mom could only pay some of the bills and chose electricity instead.

One of the books I read there was about the concept of dualism. It's the belief that two opposing forces can exist in harmony. They conflict but also complement each other, like yin and yang.

I don't know why I thought about that now, years later in Bryce's basement in Dubai.

We test each other.

I just hope we don't break each other.

"I know it hurts," Zenon said, "Trust me, I've been there. But Candy, you're stronger than me in so many ways. All I'm saying is that I don't think your happiness should be tied to the superficial acceptance of irrelevant people. They're irrelevant."

I was still thinking back to the little girl who spent so much time reading books in the library because she preferred fiction to reality.

I'll always prefer fiction, but maybe I need more courage to face reality.

When I venture out, I spend too much time worried about what people think of me. I blame myself for not fitting in, but maybe it doesn't matter whether I fit in or not. What's so wrong with standing out anyway?

All the world's innovations happened because someone dared to be different. Our world likes convention. I don't need to like the world – I just need to live in it.

And hiding from it, is not the way to live.

"I see," I said.

After our impassioned speeches tonight, it was pathetic that this was all I could conjure up. He really hit a nerve there – calling me out on my insecurities.

"I'm not trying to be needy," I said, "And I don't expect you to hold my hand through everything. I think you forget how I'm used to holding my own hand. I've gone through most of life by myself and I've learnt to support myself."

I wanted to make that clear because this whole 'I'm needy' look is really missing the point.

"You and I are in a relationship which means we support each other," I clarified, "You know my insecurities and I think I know yours. It was our first night out at a club with your friends in a new country, which is miles away from what I'm used to. So of all nights to check in on me from time to time, I'd say that was a good one."

"That's true," he said, "I'm sorry."