Zenon's Game Chapter 301

"He doesn't ask you to change," she added, "Sorry if I'm being blunt but I don't have much time. After you leave the house, I don't know when we'll talk again and my mom's taken my phone," she quickly explained before getting back to her point, "Zenon adores you for you. Isn't it a bit toxic to guilt someone into changing for you?"

That was blunt.

"I love Zenon for who he is," I replied, "But being violent is not part of a person's identity. We watched Zenon strap a guy to a chair and beat him in public today. Kaden's younger, smaller and physically no match for Zenon. That's not a fair fight. So you know what I think is toxic? Letting the person you love behave in a way you'd never allow anyone else to. That's enabling."

I can't let love blind me. I can't let my desire to be loved by him change my morals.

Bad boys make good tv. It's all about swooning for a hard guy with a soft heart, but that's twisted if it crosses the line.

Zenon is fair, kind and generous. I know he is. Today his anger and fear blinded him, and I can't encourage that. It doesn't mean I don't love him. It doesn't mean I'm turning my back on him.

"When you say it like that..." Cynthia scratched the cape of her neck, "But don't you have some sympathy for him though? He keeps trying to save you from everything that's been going on. Maybe if you don't overwhelm him with the problems, he won't feel like you're a victim who needs saving?" Her voice got high pitched towards the end as she tried to make her point gently.

She didn't want to hurt my feelings, but I could already see her next point; that I've made everything about me and overdramatized everything going on in my life.

"I'm the first person to admit I'm a bit of a drama queen," she offered, "Does a small part of you enjoy the attention? He gets a lot of attention so maybe that's your way of getting his?"

Ok.

She probably doesn't know what it feels like to be abandoned by parents. The raw emotion of my mom's departure was only a few weeks old and, during that time, it felt like my heart had been smashed to the ground and that my identity needed reconstruction. I felt meaningless when thinking how both my parents decided I wasn't worth sticking around for. Friends can come and go, but it's nothing like the pain of being purposely left behind by a parent. Not to mention, two.

She probably also doesn't know what it feels like to wake up at night and find a stranger breaking in and entering your bedroom to hurt you. A home invasion is not a 'light' experience. I have not slept in days because every time I close my eyes, I see the intruder.

It haunts me.

If she leaned over and looked at the tabs open on my laptop, she'd find 15 pending job applications. I lost my part-time job, and I didn't have enough money for dinner last week. I brought alcohol to school today. I'm scared that I'm breaking down. Addiction runs in my family and I'm scared to be next.

Have I said any of that Zenon? Have I shared any of that with anyone?

People think that you can put a lock on the front door and the nightmares go away. People don't know sh*t.

Fortunate is going to school and knowing you have a home to come home to. Fortunate is knowing you can mess up and your parents will help get you out of that mess. It's easy for people to say 'toughen up' but isn't this tough enough?

I got up today and I went to school. That's enough of a win for me right now.

I haven't gone to Zenon's house for dinner when I'm starving, and I haven't asked him to sleep with me when I'm terrified of being alone. I didn't tell him about my job when I first lost it. Because I didn't want to burden him with my problems. He's already burdened enough by the problems he knows.

"Maybe I'm selfish," I replied. I do spend a lot of time thinking about myself. "But you know what I hate? These blanket statements like 'never change' and 'always stand by them no matter what'. We all need to change, and we don't need to stand by actions we don't believe in."

I need to change too. I know I have issues I need to go through. But who doesn't?

"You two should help each other, not bring each other down," Cynthia said, "Why not focus on the positives?"

"Because this isn't a positive situation," I replied.

Why can't we talk about the negatives? Why do we think change is toxic when change can lead to self-improvement? If you can't rely on your closest relationships to help you go through that, how deep is that relationship in the first place?

"You would be utterly insane to break up with him," Cynthia said, hopping off the table and walking back to her seat, "If you let Zenon go, he'll never come back."

"That's probably true," I said sadly. I don't want to let him go, but I don't think it'll be my call.

I had a feeling that, this time, it was Zenon's decision to make. Like Cynthia said, there's a lot of drama in my life. I wouldn't blame him if he chose to walk away.

"It wouldn't be so bad," she shrugged, opening her laptop, "You'll see him again on TV when he's playing in the NBA."

I hope I will - if that's what he wants.

"Hey girls," Cynthia's mom said, standing at the doorway of the kitchen, "I couldn't help but overhear part of your conversation."