Zenon's Game Chapter 275

Mr Albert said, "He didn't feel worthy. He thought he was ruining your lives and he was worried that his habits were dragging your mom down a similar path. He said that, in his dark moments, he encouraged her to drink and he was worried that she would spiral into alcoholism too. I remember his harrowing words. He said if he stayed, you'd lose two parents instead of one."

Too little, too late.

In the end, I did lose two parents. My mom was never herself after he left.

Mr Albert said, "He gave up on hope. He thought he would do more harm than good by staying in your lives. Fear can be a terrible thing. Fear can make you run away, and embarrassment can make you stay away."

What a heavy blow.

I didn't know what to say or how to process my thoughts. I couldn't help but think one thing:

Coward.

He'd chosen to run away instead of face his fears. Isn't that the definition of cowardice?

His feelings of disillusion and inadequacy led to him walking away. This was not the story I expected. There was no dramatic moment or outburst or betrayal... just a slow burn.

The road to h*e*l*l is paved with good intentions. He was a guy that lost his way.

In the movies, there always seems to be a dramatic reason that leads to the big decision. But maybe in life, it's more of a gradual decline. Many small pieces that build up over time. It's so much harder to understand.

So many questions left to answer.

And I wasn't going to leave this room until I got all those answers.

It's easier to forgive when you can understand.

My father had descended into a mental state where he believed that walking away from his family was the right thing to do. I couldn't know for sure and I couldn't understand how a person gets to that point. I felt angry that he'd felt that way.

Maybe I wouldn't be so angry if I understood, but then again, I don't think I'll ever understand.

"We spoke about a week before he left," Mr Albert said, and I stifled my thoughts to hear him speak. Mr Albert was talking as if he could picture my father standing in front of him. "I could see that he hadn't slept in a while and he was a tormented man. "

Mr Albert put his head in his hands and pressed them against his knees, rocking backwards and forward in his chair. This outburst of emotion took me by surprise. I would never have expected that from Zenon's dad. Zenon's stern, collected and disapproving father.

I heard him exhale in pain and I couldn't tell if he was crying.

"He came to me for advice and I regret what I told him," Mr Albert said.

The rest of us hadn't moved an inch. We were all living in the shadow of the past, haunted by the past and - from the way Zenon's father was reacting - afraid of the past.

Mr Albert looked up and his eyes were red. The story was no longer about me. He was looking at his son.

And for once, it wasn't Zenon.

Jake.

"I'm sorry," Mr Albert said, and his voice cracked from the pain.

Jake was sitting next to me and I couldn't bear to look at him. I didn't want to see the emotion on his face, because it felt like a violation of his privacy. I've had enough private and embarrassing moments play out in front of other people to know what it feels like.

Mr Albert said, "I left you and your mom, and I carry that guilt with me every day. I created a friction in my family where my own kids hate me and each other."

Mrs Albert had her hand pressed over her mouth but the tears in her eyes betrayed her. She was always so put together, but here, she was breaking apart.

"I can never know why your father left, Candace, but I tell you that the feeling of emasculation, of being unworthy, can lead to major depression. And when people are scared or in that headspace, they make decisions which may not be morally right."

Mrs Albert unintentionally sobbed and tried to control her sound. Charlotte stood up from next to me on the couch and went to hug her mother.

Jake was sitting to my left and Zenon was standing across the room. I felt like this conversation was breaking us. The truth was bringing us all closer together and still, somehow, breaking us apart.

I opened my lips, but the words came out quietly, "What did you tell my dad?"

"I told him my story," Mr Albert said and he gazed off into the distance, like he was reliving the conversation in this moment. "In a way, that may have encouraged him to leave. Your dad and I don't have much in common, except for our greatest f*ck up. We both left a family vulnerable."

I didn't realize I was crying until a tear dropped on my hand. I looked down at it and that tore me apart from my trance. I saw Jake's knee next to mine and his fingers were clenched around the arm of the sofa.

If I looked at him, I'd probably break down. It must be taking so much strength for Jake not to cry too.

"I don't know where your dad is and I don't think he knows how to make things better," Mr Albert continued, "Sometimes we make mistakes we can't recover from. At least your dad had a more honorable reason for leaving his-"

"Dad," Charlotte gasped, shocked that he was calling himself dishonorable for marrying her mother.