War Girls Complete Collection Chapter 78

Chapter 23

A

nna left the apartment, angry at Ursula, at Mutter, and at Peter. But most of all she was angry with herself. Ursula’s pep talk had struck a chord. Was Anna barking up the wrong tree? Was the career she’d worked so hard to obtain worth nothing?

Anna increased her pace, walking all the way to her place at the Charité. She reached the staff building covered in sweat, her heart pounding from the exercise. Did anyone not actively opposing the wrongdoings automatically become a criminal by association? What had happened to the comfortable position inside the silent majority, where people were neither saints nor devils?

Am I a Nazi by definition now? Who can I talk to who won’t be judgmental? I need a voice of reason.

She turned on her heel and rushed across the huge compound of the Charité, glancing at the residual damage remaining from the awful destruction inflicted by the recent bombing raid.

Peter will listen without jumping to conclusions

. Anna gritted her teeth. He was the last person she wanted to see right now. Not because he’d turned out to be a spy, because truth be told, she longed for Hitler to lose the war and disappear for good. But because she was still livid over the fact that she’d had to find out his secret by accident. A part of her understood why Peter had kept silent, but that didn’t lessen the hurt she felt over his lack of faith in her.

Her feet propelled her forward, and for a fleeting moment she considered keeping on running. But where to? What would she do? The crazy idea to volunteer to become a nurse following the front line popped into her head. But just thinking about giving up her position at the Charité made her heart ache. She loved her work, despite everything.

I’m not cut out to be a hero. I’m a failure.

Anna reached the end of the hospital grounds, and the inner turmoil brought on by her self-recriminations had left her in a frantic haze, unable to form a clear thought. As she turned the corner, a church bell chimed twelve times, and reminded her of her sister Lotte. And Ursula. And Pfarrer Bernau. She’d met him a few times when planning Lotte’s escape. He wouldn’t judge. He might even help her to gain clarity.

With newfound hope, Anna turned back and walked the forty-five minutes until she reached his parish. She found him sitting on a pew at the front of the church and quietly took a seat next to him. He looked at her and then asked, “What can I do for you, my child?”

“Father, I feel like such a failure,” she started, trying hard to keep the swelling tears from her eyes.

“Aren’t you Ursula’s sister? Anna Klausen?” He scrutinized her with his warm brown eyes.

“Yes, but…” She nodded and then the words burst out of her, revealing everything that aggrieved her. “You see, everyone is doing something. But I’m a failure.”

“My child, there are many forms of resistance, and not everyone is cut out to be a hero.”

“But how come both of my sisters can be heroes, and I cannot?”

“This is where you are wrong,” Pfarrer Bernau said, smiling at her. “You have done a courageous thing in Ravensbrück.”

“But what should I do now?” Anna couldn’t hold back her tears.

“Look, God loves all his children, and he has given each of us different talents and abilities for a reason.” He handed her a handkerchief. “We each have an internal moral compass that we use to guide our decisions in this life. That compass is developed from the time we are small children and is rooted in our belief system. It is part of who we are, and when we try to go against it, we suffer. The important thing is to stay true to yourself despite the circumstances. Each of us has to look deep inside and find out what we really want.”

“I always thought I knew what I wanted, but I’m not so sure anymore…” she pressed out between sniffs.

“This is a question only you can answer.” He must have seen the despair in her eyes, because he folded his hands in his lap and added, “I do have one piece of advice for you – listen to your heart. Do what your heart tells you is morally right, whether it is the popular or safe thing to do or not. A person who can sleep at peace with himself, even behind bars, is happier than the person who is afraid to shut their eyes because they fear facing the nightmares caused by their own actions.”

The priest’s words caused peace to settle in Anna’s heart. “Thank you, Father, you’ve given me much to think about.”

“Go in peace. You’ll do the right thing, I’m sure of it.” He smiled and blessed her by making the sign of the cross on her forehead.

Anna spent the rest of the day thinking – and avoiding Peter. She didn’t need the additional strain to deal with her confusing emotions towards him.

When Professor Scherer

stopped by her office the next morning, she knew exactly what she wanted. She’d spent the better part of the weekend rehearsing her words, and only hoped she could get it all out before losing her courage.

“Good morning, Professor Scherer,” she greeted him.

“Good morning, Fräulein Klausen. You definitely made an impression at the Minister’s gathering.”

“Thank you.” She hesitated for a moment, unsure how to tackle the enormous weight pressing on her soul.

“I see you have already planned the direction the next round of experiments should take,” he said to her, scanning the scribbled notes on her notepad.

“About that…Professor Scherer…I am not comfortable doing experiments on live humans. Not until we have narrowed down what we think is a viable vaccine in the laboratory studies.”

“Fräulein Klausen…” The professor paused as if he was at a loss for words. He scratched his head and then looked at her, taking inventory of her. “That is unexpected.”

“I realize that’s not what you were expecting to hear, but it is how I feel,” she said, slowly building up the confidence to stand her ground.

“You are being overly sensitive.” He looked at her with sad puppy eyes, and in that moment, she wanted to slap the condescending expression from his face. “I’m afraid Professor Knaus was right, and I’m placing too much confidence in a woman. I thought you were of a different stamp. I truly thought you had the drive and ambition to become a successful scientist.”

“I do. I work harder than anyone else to succeed, but knowing people will be suffering because of my endeavors? That doesn’t sit well with me.”

The professor shook his head. “Not people. Sub-humans or prisoners, remember that.”

“They still feel pain and fear,” Anna argued, knowing she’d already lost the battle.

“Some things have to be done, whether you like them or not. Our work bids fair to save hundreds of thousands of upstanding members of society. Right now, the Eastern Front is breaking down, our military is retreating, and our research is needed now more than ever. Think of all the valiant soldiers protecting our frontiers from the evil Red Army. Don’t you think that a few suffering retards are worth it when we can enable thousands to return to embrace their wives and kiss their children?”

A shiver ran down Anna’s spine. Did the

Greater Good

really justify continuing to take actions that went against her values? And who got to decide which sacrifice was worth it? Who decided what was good and what was evil? She recalled Pfarrer Bernau’s words that each person had to decide for themselves. Anna was lost in her thoughts for so long, Professor Scherer took her silence as a sign that she wasn’t going to relent in her stance.

“Fräulein Klausen, you do realize that if you refuse to run these experiments you will lose your job? I’ve pulled many strings to push you forward in your career, had to battle the resistance from more conservative colleagues who thought a woman had no place in science.” He glanced at her and then used his last ace, saying, “I know you may have reservations about going forward with these experiments, but it’s time to put aside your personal feelings and act in the best interest of our Fatherland. And don’t forget your friend Alexandra who wants to become a

Wehrmachtshelferin

and for whom you asked me to write a recommendation.” The threat lingered in the air.

The icy hand of desperation grabbed her heart and threatened to crush it. Yesterday everything had seemed so easy. But today? Was fighting over a dozen mental cases worth ruining her career, and Lotte’s too? Wouldn’t she do more bad than good by impeding her sister from

helping the war effort

by possibly shortening the war and saving millions of lives on both sides? Her head spun until it ached.

With her, or without her, the experiments would be performed. Professor Scherer would simply find a less scrupulous person to take her place.

Anna took a steadying breath and then blinked several times. “Forgive me, Professor Scherer. Of course I will not refuse your wishes.”

He relaxed and smiled saying, “That’s quite alright, my dear. Let’s put this behind us and move forward, shall we?”

Anna nodded, her stomach in knots even as she did so. “Yes. I’ll give more thought to the experiments today.”

“Grand. I’ll stop by tomorrow to hear your thoughts.”

Anna watched him leave, and slumped on her chair, self-hatred churning in her stomach.