Cruel Paradise - A Mafia Romance Chapter 127

“He needs a therapist.”

The crackle in his voice has me turning back towards the kitchen. His glower has gotten more intense—which only pisses me off. Of course I know that Josh needs a therapist. I believe I’m the one who brought it up with Kirill. A few times, actually.

I’m just about to mention that when he cuts me off. “He’s been suffering silently for a while now and this should have been dealt with a long time ago.”

Is he for real right now? “I was trying to get him some help—”

“When?” Ruslan demands. “After he had a full-blown anxiety attack?”

My jaw snaps shut. My instinct is to just walk away. Don’t stoop to his level. But to walk away now would be to imply that he’s right about everything.

So I get my soap box out and I get to work.

“Excuse me, but where do you get off judging me about Josh? I’ve been doing the best I can to make sure he’s alright. That’s he’s happy. And safe.”

“Safe?” Ruslan scoffs. “If that were the case, you’d have kicked Ben out a long time ago.”

That takes me off-guard but I double down. “It wasn’t that easy. He is their father—”

Ruslan snorts. “Some fucking father. Threatening his kid with physical violence if he doesn’t do what he wants.”

I stop short. “H-he… did what?”

Ruslan glances towards the garden. “Josh didn’t want you to know. He didn’t want you to worry.”

Oh, God. It’s always a bad sign when I hear my mother’s voice in my head. She is the demon of self-doubt that’s haunted me my entire life. And she lit fresh fires that have been simmering evilly since our call a few weeks ago.

Bad guardian.

Bad mother.

Bad person.

“You didn’t know.” Ruslan’s voice is gruff, unsympathetic. “But you should have.”

I agree. But the stress and the pressure of dealing with all these issues on my own for so long has taken a toll. And what’s the point of getting my soap box out if I’m not gonna use it?

“Yeah, you’re right,” I snap. “I should have—but I didn’t. Because I was busy trying to pay the bills and maintain a roof over their heads. I was trying to pay off my sister’s debts and keep the kids in the school they were in before their mother died. I was trying to juggle being a mom and a dad and the sole breadwinner. So yeah—I did fall short. I doubt it’s gonna be the last time, either. Shocking as it may seem to you, Ruslan, I am human! I didn’t ask for any of this. But I sure as hell tried my best when it landed on my lap.” I slap a hand down on the countertop because I’m suddenly so dizzy with anger that standing upright is a challenge. “Oh, and by the way, I asked Kirill about a therapist weeks ago. For all the kids. He told me that he would look into it, but I assumed that was his way of saying he needed to check with you. We could have saved ourselves a lot of time if I could have just come to you with this suggestion instead of Kirill. But no, you’re so damned wrapped up in your own ego that you can’t bear to be alone with me for five seconds without some sort of buffer present. Well, I got news for you buddy: we’re having a baby together. So, like it or not, you’re gonna have to deal with your feelings and talk to me at some point!”

I’m winded by the time I’m done. Ruslan’s face is completely unreadable, but I get the feeling that there are things bubbling around below the surface. Too bad I don’t give a shit about any of them.

“Emma—”

I flinch back from his reach. “Excuse me. I need a swim.”

Swimming has been my preferred form of therapy recently. There’s something about the soothing nature of a big body of water.

It supports your weight if you trust it enough.

It hides your tears no matter how hard you cry.

22

EMMA

“Wanna take a walk with me?”

Josh squints up at me, suspicious. Then his gaze veers to his sisters, who are both splashing around in the shallow end of the pool with Kirill. “Okay.”

I’ve spent the last three days since my kitchen spat with Ruslan obsessing over Josh. I’ve also spent the last three days observing him. He’s quiet—but he hasn’t always been like that. I try to think back to when that started.

Was it around the time his mother died? Or was it after that, when Ben started transforming from a man into a monster?

I’ve always known that Josh has taken on more responsibility than he could carry but I was never able to prevent it. He was always so staunch and determined. He was also my one ally in this. Which I can see now was a failing on my part. He was never meant to be my ally. He was only ever meant to be a child.

Bad guardian.

Bad mother.

Bad person.

I shake my head to clear the nagging thoughts. “Josh, can we talk?” I ask as we approach the bird bath at the far end of the gardens.

“Bird bath” is a little bit of an understatement. It’s more like a three-tiered marble fountain you could skip a rock across. The only “birds” big enough to use this properly died with the rest of the other dinosaurs.

“About what?”

“About your father.” He stops walking instantly. I have to double back a little. “Josh?”

“I don’t want to talk about him.”

“Sweetheart, I know it’s hard, but—”

“Ruslan told you, didn’t he?”

I nod, not wanting to lie to him. “He did and I’m glad he did. But I would have preferred hearing it from you.”

Josh looks away. “Did he tell you about the part where I used to go into your purse and steal your credit cards for Dad, sometimes?”

That fucking bastard. I make sure to keep my expression neutral. “No, he didn’t.”

Josh flushes. “I’m sorry, Aunt Em.”