Cruel Paradise - A Mafia Romance Chapter 128

I grab him and pull him against me. “Josh, I’m the one who’s sorry. I should have realized what was happening. I should have prevented him from using you, from treating you like that.” I put my hands on his shoulders and push him back just enough so that I can see his face. “Did he really hit you?” It feels as though my heartbeat is in my throat.

“Sometimes,” Josh admits in a small voice.

I pull him back into my embrace. “God, I could kill him. I’m so sorry, Josh.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Yes, it is. I should have left with you guys a long time ago. I think I just wanted to believe that Ben would get better. I wanted to believe that he would come out of it and things would go back to normal. Or as normal as they could be without your mom.”

Josh gives me an uncertain glance. “Was he different with Mom?”

“Very,” I admit. “A different man entirely.”

“Maybe she took that man with her when she went.”

From the mouths of babes comes wisdom… I wrap my arm around Josh’s shoulders and we continue on toward the bird bath. “I won’t let him hurt you ever again. I promise. I swear it.” When we get to the fountain, I sit down on the edge of it and position Josh right in front of me. “But, Josh, you need to tell me when something like that is going on. I can’t protect you if I don’t know what’s happening.”

His forehead wrinkles. “I didn’t want you to know. I wanted to protect you.”

I’m so close to tears at this point. I swallow hard and remind myself that I am the adult here. “My sweet boy, you have too much on your shoulders. Let me carry some of the load.”

He only shakes his head again. “You’re having a baby. I can share the load.” He nods with finality, as though that’s the end of it. His jaw is set in that stubborn square, the one that reminds me so much of his mother.

I’m seeing her more and more now in her children. As much as it breaks my heart, it also makes me feel like we’re not so far apart anymore, she and I.

“Can you do me a favor then?” He nods begrudgingly. “Will you speak to a therapist? I understand that you want to take care of your family, Josh. But sometimes, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first.”

“Like in airplanes?”

“Exactly like that. So will you agree to speak to someone who can help?”

He hesitates, then nods once more. “Okay, Aunt Em.”

I kiss his forehead. “That’s my boy.”

We spend the next twenty minutes sitting by the bird bath, enjoying the water, sunlight, and the few brave crows who are willing to venture close to us.

Every time I see Josh smile at their squawking, I get all warm inside. But the feeling is short-lived. He’s eight years old. He shouldn’t need a therapist at this age.

Bad guardian.

Bad mother.

Bad person.

I need to talk to Phoebe. I need a shoulder to lean on. I need to hear my friend tell me that I may be a flawed person, but I’m not a terrible one.

I may not believe her.

But it would help to hear it all the same.

I slow down the hallway when I hear Ruslan’s voice booming from inside his office. “What do you mean, you ‘forgot’ to add it to the schedule? I reminded you three times yesterday!”

I don’t hear the other part of the conversation so I’m assuming that whoever he’s yelling at is on the phone.

“Jesus fucking Christ. What time did you say?… It’s 4:00 P.M. right now, Melissa. I was supposed to be there half an hour ago.”

I cringe. I would not want to be Melissa right now.

I wait for the conversation to end before I knock twice. “What?” Ruslan bellows from inside.

Too late to back out now. I open the door and walk in.

The moment he sees me, his eyes flash with darkness and he scowls. “What is it?”

“Bad time?”

Endless piles of paperwork cover the surface of his desk. So much of it that there isn’t a trace of mahogany to be seen through all the scattered reams.

“The fuck does it look like?”

For some reason, I creep further into the office. I take one look at the chaotic schedule that his new temp has organized for him and my eyebrows hit my hairline.

“You have two different meetings scheduled for the same time tomorrow morning,” I point out.

“My dimwitted new assistant apparently thinks I can be in two places at once.”

I bite down on my lips to keep from smiling. “You know, I do have secretarial experience. I can help you—”

“I’d rather hire a circus clown.”

I narrow my eyes. “Sounds like you already did.”

For a moment, I think I’m gonna get a smile. But that’s apparently too much to ask for. Instead, his mouth hardens into a flat line.

It still looks extremely kissable, though.

The problem—well, one of the problems—with all this doom and gloom and anger is that Ruslan doesn’t look any different. He’s still as gorgeous as he’s always been.

Which is not to say I’m still not pissed off about our last interaction. It still haunts me at night; it rings in my ears during the little silences that pepper every day. Even that much feels like a betrayal to myself. Being attracted to a man who treats me like shit? Have some self-respect, girl. And yet, my body doesn’t seem very interested in being loyal when it comes to Ruslan.

“Seriously, just give me an hour here and—”

“I don’t need or want your help, Ms. Carson.”

I glare at him. “Fine. I’ll leave you to your messed-up schedule and your idiot assistant. I just have one question.”

“Oh, so there’s a question? I thought you’d just come in here to annoy the hell out of me.”

I phone in the fake laugh. “So funny. Truly hilarious. Take that show on the road; you’d slay.”

“I don’t have all day, Emma.”

It’s amazing how he can give me two such opposing reactions. On the one hand, there’s frustration and anger. On the other hand, there’s desire and need. If only I could turn off my heart—and my vagina—and simply leave him in the rearview mirror…

Life would be so much easier.

“I want to see Phoebe.”