Love, curves and heartbreak Chapter 19

In the morning, for a moment, I wonder if what happened last night was real. It makes me want to dance, a dance of happiness and joy. I'm a girl who can't believe that the man she's always liked... has slept with her.

It was more than that... it was an incredible and wonderful night... much better than I could have ever dreamed of.

I'm under some incredibly white and comfortable sheets, and next to me is a space of crumpled sheets where Ethan was a few hours ago. He's probably in the bathroom.

My god... he is so sexy, how sweet, how he talked to me last night, how he said my name. Priscilla... he said my name in between moans, and just remembering it made me want to burst with happiness.

He was also very generous... thinking about me and my pleasure. That's not something you see every day! My ex-boyfriends...they weren't even halfway attentive to me...like Ethan was last night...and we're not...uh .... we're not anything.

From the moment, he laid me down on the bed and took off his t-shirt ... it was like an explosion. I knew there was no turning back.

In the start, everything happened slowly as we saw each other for the first time, inch by inch of our skin, measuring our reactions; until we ended up completely melting into each other in a frenzy of passion.

I still can't believe I put my insecurities aside. Does he like me? Would he see my flaws? I just got carried away... and I realized that I wanted this... I always wanted him.

But not even in my wildest dreams, I imagine this! I try not to think about all the flaws he must have seen in me. My wide tights, my messy hair, my belly, my big but... good god.

I try to focus on how I saw him, the way his muscles stood out, his hands, his hair between my fingers, the strength of his body, his breathing. A truly perfect man... at least for me.

How could two people who were so far apart suddenly be so close for a moment? I didn't even want him to come near me, and out of nowhere he touched me, kissed me, caressed me in places that drove me crazy.

I'm not an inexperienced girl... but... it was the best night and the best sex of my entire life. I wanted him, trembled at his touch, and he seemed to enjoy it too.

Could he really like me? The thought tortured me as much as it delighted me.

On the sheets beside me, I could see where his body had been, his arms holding me, his tanned skin, his dirty blond hair scattered across the bed. I would have liked to see him sleeping, to feel him holding me at night.

But even more, I would have liked to find him here when I woke up, to see his expression, because it would help me to know if what happened last night was something real or... something just a result of... the heat of the moment.

I mean, the rain, the terrible weather, the change of plans, a man and a woman in a tiny hotel room. We didn't have much time here when he claimed he was going to sleep on the floor and eventually, without much thought, we both ended up naked on the only bed.

I am curious as to what the protocol will be for "the morning after," because frankly, I am not very used to spending the night away from home, let alone in a hotel with a man. It is not that I invite men to my home, I am not going to deceive anyone.

My relationships with men have been rather distant, and with my ex-boyfriends we seemed like an old couple for years, two people who had quickly lost the passion.

Instead, this was something unplanned. No one would believe me if I told them I slept with him last night. If I went back in time and told this to a young Priscilla, she would burst out laughing.

You could say it was the closest thing to a one-night stand, but with someone I knew...someone I always dreamed of being with. Weird.

A few minutes passed and I waited for a sound to come from the bathroom, but nothing happened. Just silence and the sound of my heart beating nervously. The room is too small to deny the truth: I am completely alone.

So I quickly go to the bathroom, take a bath, put on the pants I wore yesterday and the shirt he lent me. I look in the mirror and fix myself as best I can, leaving my hair loose to the side after trying to tame it a bit with water.

I stayed for a few minutes, sitting on the bed, ready... not knowing what to do.

Suddenly I see that his things are already arranged on a chair next to my bag. This man is incredibly organized and structured, he has everything ready to go.

If his things weren't still here...would he have left? Running from the consequences of last night? I'm just here, all alone, my leg shaking, panicked of what he thinks about last night. Good old Priscilla... full of insecurities.

I arrange my things and debate between going out, calling a taxi or going to the airport. Surely we can return home today.

Maybe... for him this was nothing, a simple distraction of the moment. Probably... if Kate had been in my place, it would have been the same. Yesterday was such a horrible day and night that I didn't have to be a beautiful, slim, attractive woman like Kate.

"I'm so stupid..."

I was just the woman available at that moment, I think as my hands shake. And I feel like a fool, a complete fool. I can't help but feel used and ashamed. Maybe he just wanted to get back at me for being so cold to him. Having fun with silly Priscilla. The chubby girl he used to know.

So here we go...

This is the end of this bubble of happiness. We all have an evil voice that leads us to sad, humiliating, unusual, and gray thoughts. As you have already noticed, this voice in my head is particularly evil, hopeless, and very active.

This voice told me that everything has a beginning and an end. Priscilla, what did you think? That everyone would live happily ever after? Silly girl.

I stared at the door of the room. What am I going to do? I really wish he wouldn't come back, I'd rather not see him again.

Do you know what it's like to have what you've always dreamed of, but never imagined you'd actually have? And then... to find out it wasn't what you thought it was.

In my dreams, Ethan fell in love with me and was a complete gentleman. He would make me feel loved, he would see the value in me that he didn't see when we were teenagers.

How stupid and ridiculous I am! Waiting here like a naive little girl for him to see my worth. When everything indicates that I was nothing to him.

Well, I told him that he used people, and I fell victim to my own words. I already knew what he thought of me! What he had always thought, for years. I heard his own words, for god’s sake!

It's nobody's fault, just mine. Always expecting a lot from others: to love me, to defend me, to care for me, to respect me. On the contrary, I should do exactly that, but to myself. That's right, I should stop being a victim.

To put myself into action, not to expect anything from anyone, much less from him. To be the Priscilla that I have to be, I have me and no one else. I am a grown woman, right? A woman who makes her own decisions, and this was one of them. Right or wrong, time will tell.

Yes, he used me... but I also enjoyed it. I could have used him too, right? I know it's not usually like that, but I'd like to think about it.

Forget about falling in love, about him being a gentleman, about him waking up with you, seeing him happy, caressing me, greeting me with a sweet good morning.

It just wasn't going to happen, I'm sorry. I have to take care of myself, of my feelings. To protect myself, to love myself first.

"Priscilla...? Are you here?"

Suddenly, a voice pulls me out of my thoughts and regrets. The door opens and there he is in the doorway, staring at me.