Love, curves and heartbreak Chapter 61

I can't really say what happened in the last few days; I can't say exactly what happened in detail.

I remember leaving Ethan's house that horrible day, feeling like I was leaving an important part of myself. I cried as I drove home like a zombie. I had dreamed so much about being with him, being close to him... and now I was leaving of my own free will.

I sat on my bed for a while, my eyes lost in infinity, remembering our time together. It's strange, but even though I never really fit into his life, I really felt like I belonged with him.

I had so many good memories in his bedroom, in his apartment, in every room. I wouldn't change anything about his apartment. If someone had asked me a few days ago what memories I had of his apartment, I would have said only happy things. Until now.

Everything that happened after that is a blur to me. I was in automatic mode, doing my routine, task after task, as if I were a robot: I cleaned, I ate, I talked about trivial things with the other people.

Suzy was worried. I cried with her, I ate ice cream, but I really didn't want to go out, no matter how much she invited me. That night I found myself sleeping close to her, like we were teenagers at a sleepover, and I felt a little better, with less weight on me.

It is true what they say: sorrows shared are less burdensome.

Suzy and Tommy tried to keep me company and distract me, trying to make sure I had good times, at least quiet times. But eventually they gave me my space, telling me that time would help me heal.

I got calls from Lily, which I ignored, and then I texted her that I wasn't feeling very well and that I would get back to her later. I didn't feel like talking to her right now.

I am pretty sure that everyone had good intentions and wanted to help me feel better. But nothing mattered to me anymore, that was the truth. I just put on my best smile when I talked to my mom so she wouldn't worry.

It was harder at work. I told Clark that I had some personal problems and that I would try to work from home or the warehouse. He seemed to understand that I was going through something, although he wasn't very understanding.

I didn't have a lot of excuses to give him, either. What I would say? That I was heartbroken? I don't think that's a very professional excuse. At the very least, I was extremely focused at work, just to forget about everything else.

As much as I tried to carry on with my normal life, there were also times when the immense wall I had built around the wound in my heart tried to break down.

When I got up in the morning, when I showered, and when I went to sleep, tired like a robot after my day. In those few minutes a day, I allowed myself to cry, to feel humiliated, deeply hurt and disappointed.

It was also in those moments that I blamed myself for staying there, believing that I was in a relationship that was going well...even believing that I was in a relationship at all.

"I knew this deal was not going to work," a voice in my head told me.

"He never liked you, God knows why he was with you," another voice told me. And I just agreed with all those voices.

Every day Kate's words echoed in my head: "Ethan is way out of your league. A man like that only dates incredibly successful and beautiful women, and you are NOBODY!"

The realization that everyone knew he was leaving the country and I didn't was the last straw.

The days went by, and I felt like I was looking at the world through a foggy, cloudy glass. Out of sheer inertia, I did what I had to do. I did not sleep well and had nightmares of a dark Ethan yelling at me, scaring me and wanting me to leave him. He was probably far away by now.

The days passed. I was not exactly happy and excited about life, but I was efficient... at least. I am already a functional person who answers the phone, talks to people and sometimes even laughs, which is a big step for me.

I hang out with Suzy, who recently told me that she wants to move in with her new boyfriend. Wonderful news! They are a great couple and I know Suzy is happy, and he is great for her.

This huge change in their lives has been able to create a surge of joy in mine, and they have kindly dragged me into their happiness. So I am distracted, kind of excited.

I will probably have to move soon or find another roommate...adjust to another change. They have told me that there is no rush and that Suzy will stay with me until I find someone else or a new place to live.

I know this is a new step in their lives, and it seems logical that they would want to have their own space and I... well, I have to get on with my life.

So I continue with my boring life as it has always been. Working hard, saving money, not having much fun, trying to keep a low profile.

Sometimes I think about what's happened in the last few months, and I can't help but think that it's all been a dream, as if I'd made a wish that unbelievably came true, and out of nowhere it all fell and disappeared.

Or midnight came, and the spell ended, and my fairy godmother left me and I don't know if it was real.

Sometimes I think the best thing I could have done would have been not to approach him, not to play his games, not to accept his stupid deal. I would have told him thanks, but no thanks, and I would have gone on with my life, watching him from a distance.

I think he would have accepted my decision. But it's no use thinking and running around in my head all these maybes that don't make sense; I can't change anything that's happened.

I can't wish to go back in time or dream that everything could be different. Because those things don't exist in real life, only in Disney and fairy tales.

Most of the time I remember the conversations we had, repeating them as if I were watching a series on television where it seems I can't change the channel; sometimes it even seems I don't even have the remote. My brain seemed to refuse to let go. It refused to let me be happy.

The last thing I remember is the time he asked me if I wanted to change things from the past and how I would know if I was making the right decision.

Now I wonder, could it be that he was talking about leaving me? Or was he confessing to me that he knew his terrible words in the past? I don't remember what I said to him.

What I do remember is that he was in my arms, lying on top of me, feeling my hands in his hair, like little threads of gold on my fingers. I guess I told him I'd take whatever came, and I'd try to do my best, like I always had.

But you know what the worst part is? I regret it, and I want to go back in time and run away from him... but part of my heart, if given the chance, would live it all over again, no matter the consequences.

That part wanted to live it all and cherish those memories, no matter how sad, no matter how I felt. After all, Ethan was the man of my dreams, my first and only crush.

This part doesn't want to forget anything, but to remember these moments forever. So the good moments can illuminate my daily life, appearing out of nowhere like fireflies on a dark night.

When I'm at work with a client, I can suddenly think about the conversations we had, remember his hands, his smile, his look, and for a millisecond I can just be happy.

Happy to think that I had him, those tender and magical moments, that I loved someone that much and gave them my best, even if it was only for a few months.

I refuse to admit it to anyone who asks, but in the dark of night, when I'm trying to sleep, when I'm completely honest with myself every day, I miss him.

I miss his shirts, his breakfasts, his kisses, his exquisite voice, the way he worked so focused, the smell of his clothes. The way he held my hand as he walked, moving his thumb gently along the back of my hand, the way he sometimes looked at me as if I were a puzzle.

And the way he sometimes gave himself to me without suspicion, as if I were an equal.

I have not heard from him, zero, nothing. I think he's in Europe now. He no longer bothers me. He is not with me, maybe he is happy with another woman. I suppose... he was true to his word, as he always was.

*Hi dear readers!

We are in the sad part of the story, hope you like it.

Thanks for the comments, and thanks for reading!

Kisses,

Kika*