Love, curves and heartbreak Chapter 69

All my energy is focused on this dinner. I think about make a lasagna and, obviously, a blueberry pie for dessert. Since morning, I wake up with anxiety and fear that everything will turn in a big failure.

It's Saturday, and I'm in a rush all day, working like an ant here and there. I went to the supermarket early, and it seems I've been organizing everything since morning: the house, the kitchen, the ingredients, the ambiance, even myself, because I look like a mess.

My hair isn't cooperating, and all my clothes are on my bed while I decide what to wear, even though there are still several hours to go. I try not to panic and trust that everything will be fine.

Why on earth did I suggest we meet at my house? Why did I tell him that I was going to cook for him, knowing he is an expert in the kitchen who always does everything perfectly, and I cook just the basics to survive?

Take a deep breath, Priscilla, and just think that you will talk to him, that you need to see him to rid yourself of all the doubts you have. It's a great opportunity to get answers.

Yes, that's it.

At the scheduled time, I'm wearing a pretty dress, one that I've worn before, and I know he likes a lot. I look casual, but at the same time cool, without appearing like I put in a lot of effort.

I'm in the kitchen in an apron, looking at my uncooked pie and praying it's at least edible, when the doorbell rings, and it's him. Trying to control my breathing, I stand in front of the door and open it. I look at him, and we stand like fools, smiling and gazing at each other, for brief seconds, nervous.

He looks gorgeous as always, just in jeans and a shirt, his hair is slicked back, but several unruly strands are falling on his forehead. God, I feel like I'm in a challenging job interview rather than a date, my knees are shaking, and I just wish someone would tell me…don't worry, everything is going to be alright.

I show him my humble apartment, he looks around and seems happy. Ethan offers to help me with dinner and I gladly accept, and it seems like the most natural thing in the world, the two of us cooking, talking about sauces, condiments, cooking time and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world.

While the lasagna is in the oven, we place the plates on the small table, add some candles and decorations, and play soft music that makes everything perfect, just like some bohemian café.

In minutes, we are sitting together having dinner, he's opposite me, and from time to time I feel the touch of his knees, I guess it's his fault, he's a really tall man, and that wonderful feeling makes me realize how close I am to him. The atmosphere is cheerful, like a meeting and a long-awaited reunion.

I think about how everything has changed, wonderful things happened when I'm with him, others rather sad, but all that brought us here, to this moment, in Seattle, he and I, having lasagna, dining together and talking like two old acquaintances.

I really enjoyed dinner and while we had some wine we even dared to talk about our life together, what we did, what we experienced, what we liked and what we didn't. It feels like a breakthrough, and I am calmer and more at ease with each passing minute.

While we clear the table, I tell him to stay on the sofa and relax, but he, like a gentleman, offers to wash the dishes. I suggest we do it together, so after I put the blueberry pie in the oven, he rolls up his shirt sleeves and starts washing the dishes. As he hands me the plates one by one, he praises my simple dinner.

"I'm serious... I know firsthand that you're an excellent cook, so take into consideration that it's my best effort," I tell him, smiling, avoiding his gaze as he carefully takes a plate with blue edges in his hand.

"It was delicious…. I really mean it. It's the best dinner anyone ever cooked for me," he says adorably. What a big liar, I think, and laugh. It's a nice lie, though.

"Yes, sure! Because your parents' cooking is horrible," I tell him, and we laugh together, but after a few seconds, I add "You're always very kind and sweet to me... I think it's one of the things I like most about you,” I confess, and he looks at me nervously.

I know my words have pleased him. I guess I've rarely allowed myself to tell him what I like about him. Sometimes Ethan is a dominant, effusive, passionate man and other times... he is even a little shy, especially when it comes to expressing his feelings. I take advantage of his silence to bring up all the questions I wanted to ask him.

"Ethan... my mom told me some things that I didn't know and... I wanted... really... I wanted to have you in front of me to ask them and clear up my doubts once and for all," I tell him, letting go of the cutlery I was drying. He gives me an eager look.

“Is it true that you left your job in Europe?” I ask.

"Yes... I left it months ago," he answers, and as if nothing happened, returns to the dishes, the soap, and water.

“Why would you do something like that? It was… a good opportunity. You told me you wanted to advance in your career. Why did you leave it?" I ask him. He stops, closes his eyes, and still with wet hands, leans on the kitchen counter and breathes deeply.

“I went and, as you say… it was a good opportunity for my career. I thought I would be happy. But... being there, after a few months, I felt terrible,” he tells me and looks sad and crestfallen and continues.

“I understood that I didn't feel good about leaving after what happened between you and me. Prissy… I had completely lost my goals and my career, I had changed, and I couldn't expect everything to be the same. I had done everything to achieve that promotion in my career”he says anxious.

“But the reality is that I couldn't sleep or have a normal life, because I couldn't forgive myself for... leaving you, without solving our problems, without compensating for the damage that I did to you. What I did to you... It was the worst mistake I made in my life, and I regret it every day,” he tells me, and I listen carefully.

“I… came to the horrible conclusion that I was never good for you, I just gave you trouble and brought suffering into your life. My ego and my arrogance were such that they did not let me see clearly. I thought I was doing the best for you, and I ruined your life. How is that possible?”

“Ethan…”

“And then I came to your work as if I was going to solve your life, conceited, absolutely sure that you were going to welcome me with open arms, like a hero... but you already knew what I did… that terrible day in stupid high school. You hated me… I knew it… I knew it from the first moment I saw you in that meeting room. And you had every reason to hate me,” he confesses to me, and while he spoke he moved his hands agitated in desperation.

I was there waiting expectantly, I wanted to tell him so many things, and at the same time, I didn't want to interrupt him. I suddenly felt warm for all these emotions. It was rummaging through my worst memories, but I couldn't imagine what it would be like for him to confess all this.

I'm sure he didn't want to think about those days again, either. But unfortunately, it was necessary, we needed to reopen these wounds to be able to heal them properly, as we did not.

“Then I looked for you at your house, I kissed you in the restaurant, and you didn't even kiss me back, I saw you with your idiot neighbor, and I was jealous! And you ran away from me, and I would have sold my soul just because you looked at me with affection…”

“Ethan please…is not like that”

“Later I found out that even though you didn't love me… we did have great physical chemistry, and I took advantage of it in the worst way. My god Prissy!... A sex-only arrangement…when I knew I wanted so much more from you, so much more…so I went down that road, like a coward. I was so terrified that you would run away for the thousandth time that I didn't tell you about my job proposal... when what I wanted was for us to build something together. Here, there… it really didn't matter! I just wanted to be with you!” he tells me with shame and frustration.

My God, what a fool I have been! I have always loved him! Always! I should have given him a chance!

"Ethan you are being very hard on yourself, I had my own ghosts and insecurities... but still... I shouldn't have treated you like that..." I start to say, but he interrupts me.

“You don't understand... I saw you everywhere, I dreamed of you. I was out of control, I wasn't myself. Furthermore, I hated that you asked me to stay away from you because I can't, and I don't want to! But I had to do it for your well-being… And there it was again, my arrogance, breaking my promise, but I was… just, dying inside” he approaches to me.

“It kills me not seeing you anymore. So I left my job and came back to the country, I wanted to see you, beg to talk to you, I needed to make amends for some of the damage I had done, or at least try. Only to find out that you were going to leave. It was so right what you were going to do, study, follow your dreams... I couldn't help it, I couldn't talk to you again, torment you again with what I wanted without thinking about what was best for you. I had to let you go… and at the same time I couldn't keep myself away” he tells me, and I'm ecstatic.

He's desperate, anxious, his lips tremble, his face is blushed when he speaks to me again, and I've never seen him so wonderful and beautiful in my life…and I feel that my heart is going to explode with bliss.