Losing Control : His Madness, His Cure Chapter 145

It’s becoming clearer with every passing day that there’s little I wouldn’t do for him. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be standing outside Addy’s building, about to walk in. The thought alone rattles the hell out of me....this thing between us. This deep, soul-crashing pull that’s taken root inside me, spreading until it’s in every part of me. Every thought, every fucking breath.

We took a cab because apparently we’ll be drinking. He’s carrying a bottle of gin, like we’re showing up to some polite dinner party. My hand finds his without me even realizing I’m reaching.

In the elevator, the walls feel too close, the floor humming under my boots as we climb. I’m already regretting caving, already wishing I’d put my foot down. Then Xander, casual as anything, asks, “What’re you thinking?” He doesn’t even look at me when he does.

I shove my free hand into my jacket pocket, almost say “nothing.” But that’ll spark the usual...him pointing out that “nothing” isn’t an answer, dragging the truth out of me with that gaze until I crack. So I turn my head, watch the clean line of his jaw as the numbers tick higher, and ask instead, “How long are we gonna be here?”

He shrugs. “No way to know. You should stop plotting escape routes before we even get to the front door.”

The elevator dings. We step out into the hallway, his thumb brushing over mine....barely there, but enough to keep me tethered when all I want to do is bolt.

We’re almost to the apartment when he stops. Turns to me, those sharp eyes softening just slightly, and before I can react, he shifts in close, backing me up until my shoulders hit the wall. His hand tightens around mine, holding me still.

He searches for my gaze and holds it like he’s pinning me in place without even moving. Something flickers in his eyes, soft and sharp all at once...and then he asks, low and steady, “Do you remember the first time we met?”

My brow furrows.

“At the shop....”

But he’s already shaking his head. “No. Before that.”

His voice dips, carrying weight that makes my pulse tick faster.

“I’d just moved here,” he says. “It was my second day at Zig’s, I’d just gotten off work. I’d lived close to home up until then and—” he gives this little huff, almost embarrassed, “....I was homesick. Overwhelmed. And on probation at the shop until I proved I could hold my own, my head was a fucking mess.” His eyes flicker down, then back up, and his next words have me stilling. “Then I heard this groaning sound in an alley and thought someone needed help. So I went to check.”

My chest tightens, because I know exactly where this is going before he even says it.

“And there you were. Beating the shit out of someone.” His lips twitch like he can still see it. “You looked at me and paused....”

He swallows, gaze locking harder on mine. “My heart beat so fucking fast I thought it would tear right through me. And the rage in your eyes....you scared the shit out of me. So I turned around and went straight home.”

The corner of my mouth pulls, but I can’t speak. He doesn’t give me the chance anyway.

“But then I started seeing you everywhere. I'd spot a leather jacket in a crowd and stop. See someone with your hair color and I'd look twice. I’d be in bed with someone, and your face would flash in my mind.” His jaw flexes. “I thought I was going crazy. And then you walked into Zig’s that day.....”

He shakes his head slowly, like the memory still rattles him. “I was sure I was hallucinating. Because no fucking way. And my heart—” he exhales sharply, “...it did that same thing. Like back at the alley, but this time it wasn’t fear. It was dread. Because it felt like I’d conjured you into my life without even meaning to.”

My lungs burn. Every word sinks under my skin, raw and heavy, and I don’t even realize I’ve been holding my breath until he lets go of my hand and cups my cheek. His eyes take me in like I’m something fragile he somehow knows better than to handle gently.

And fuck, it undoes me.

Because every time I think I’ve hit the ceiling with him....every time I convince myself this is it, this is the limit...he goes and says shit like this. Looks at me like this. And I realize there is no limit. I’ll never stop being pulled deeper. He’s endless. And he’s looking at me like I am too.

“You were wearing those blue jeans,” I tell him, my voice quiet but sharp with memory. “The ones you wore last Monday. A gray hoodie under that denim jacket with the stitching coming loose on the sleeve. You had headphones in, but only one side to your ear. The other was shoved back. Your shoelaces were uneven....left side knotted, right side barely holding on.....”

His eyes search mine, narrowing slightly, like I’ve said too much, like he doesn’t know what to do with the fact I remember him that closely. I cut through the quiet before he can speak.

“And I already knew your name.”

That gets him. The twitch of his mouth, the flicker in his gaze. He looks like he’s about to push, ask how, but then he just.... lets it go. Instead, he leans in and brushes his mouth over mine, soft, like the answer’s in the kiss.

When he pulls back, he tells me, “I think I did....Will you into my life.”

I drag in a breath because I need the air. Everything in me feels like it’s breaking apart under the weight of him. My voice is rough when I ask, “Why are you telling me this now?”

His thumb traces along my jaw. “Because I want to. Because it’s true.” His lips curve, the smallest smile, but it does something dangerous to me. “Because I need you to stop overthinking everything and just focus on me tonight. You should always just focus on me,Jax.” His voice dips, softer. “Okay?”

I let the silence burn between us, because I don’t trust my voice right away. Then I nod once. “Okay.”

And the thing is, I'm convinced he's the universe’s gift to me. That’s the only way I can explain him. Like all the shit I’ve had to claw my way through was the price of admission. Payment in blood, in bruises, in pain. And standing here, with him, I can’t fucking believe I'm saying this.... but maybe it was worth it. Maybe every ugly thing that hollowed me out was just making space for him. And if surviving all that was the only way I’d ever get him...then I’d do it again.

Suddenly it all crashes at once. Everything I feel for him, everything I’ve tried to ration out in doses I can handle, it claws its way up to the surface. A tidal wave breaking through the dam. It’s too much for my chest to hold. I can’t contain it, can’t cage it. My lips part before I even realize, my body reaching for release before my brain can stop me.

“Xander, I—”

The words scrape up raw, half-formed and desperate.

And just like that, his whole expression changes. Something flickers in his eyes, then deepens, heavy and unguarded. For a second, I swear I see the depth of what he feels for me. My pulse kicks up.

Then....footsteps. Quick, careless and coming closer.

And before I can make sense of it, Layla’s voice cuts in, bright and bubbling, the kind of excitement that fills every space without asking permission.

“Oooh....Are we interrupting something?”

Her tone’s teasing, but I flinch like I’ve been caught bleeding.

The spell shatters.

The words die in my mouth.