Losing Control : His Madness, His Cure Chapter 163

He flips his file open, eyes scanning the page, but his words keep circling in my head long after he stops speaking.

His gaze narrows on me again, sharp enough to pull me back. “So, what do you even do all day now? You don’t have to shadow Layla as much. And I don’t need your help with setting up the company either.”

I lift a shoulder. “Pretty much what I’m doing now.”

He snorts, like that explains anything. “So....nothing?”

I roll my eyes. “I’ve got a job, if that’s what you’re asking.” My tone’s sharper than I mean it to be. Adam sucks in a breath, like he already regrets whatever’s about to leave his mouth. “Job’s a bit of a stretch for.....that.”

My eyes cut up to him. “You disrespecting my profession now too?”

He shakes his head quickly, palms out. “No. I don’t approve of it, but I’m not gonna judge. My point is, ” he leans back, expression softening into something I hate even more than his smirk, “...maybe the only reason you’re running yourself ragged in your head is because you’ve got too much time on your hands. I know for a fact if I didn’t keep myself buried in work all day, my mind would run circles around every bad thought I’ve got until I was drowning in them. And something tells me you’ve got plenty of those to drown in too.”

My phone buzzes and it's a blessed distraction. Xander’s name lights up the screen.

*'Lunch at the shop? Layla and Addy are eating out.’*

My thumb moves before my brain does. '*Okay. I'll be there.'*

A second later his reply hits, simple but devastating. '*I love you ❤️'*

My mouth curves without permission. God, I'll never stop marvelling at how he can pull me out of my own head with those three words. Suddenly I want the hours to burn away faster, want to step out of this room and into wherever he is.

“Jax?”

Adam’s voice drags me back, slightly irritated, like he’s been talking this whole time.

I blink up at him. “What?”

He lets out a long sigh, his eyes flicking to my phone, then back to me with a knowing look. “I asked if you’d like me to find you something to keep you busy. I’m sure I can.”

I’m already shaking my head before he even finishes. “I’m good.”

“You sure?”

“I am.” The words snap out quick and firm.

I don’t even let myself consider it, same way I never considered going after an actual job when I got out. Because that would’ve meant stepping into something normal. Something built for people who fit into the world instead of grinding against it. And I’m not cut out for normal. I’d feel like a hypocrite pretending otherwise.

A routine, a neat little pattern stamped into my days....it’s a leash, a target painted across my back. That’s what the world waits for. A rhythm to map, to predict and to destroy. I’ve lived long enough to know how fast stability turns into wreckage. I can’t set myself down in that.

Xander's the only contradiction.

He's a pattern, one I can’t break. My every thought’s already mapped around him, my every move is bent in his direction. He’s the one normal I can stomach, the one routine I crave. And deep down, I know that’s the real danger.

Adam leans back in his chair, closes one file and opens another, the motion clean. “If you change your mind,” he says without looking at me, “....you know where to find me.”

He dives back into work like the conversation never happened. The silence settles between us, heavy but not suffocating. Eight years of surviving each other’s storms taught us how to sit in quiet without needing to fill it.

“I told Xander we met in prison,” I say finally, my voice rougher than I intend.

Adam looks up for a second, brows ticking, before his gaze drops back to the page. “Yeah? And how’d he take it?”

A ghost of a smile tugs at my mouth. “The way he takes all the other fucked-up shit I throw at him.”

Adam doesn’t speak, so I keep going, the words slipping out before I can stop them. “It’s like nothing I say bends him out of shape. He doesn’t recoil, doesn’t soften it into pity either. He just....takes it.”

Like it’s not something to be cleaned up or hidden away. Like it’s mine, so it belongs with him too.

Adam leans back, studying me, lips curving faintly. “He’s good for you.”

And it's the same exact thing Nate said, and I’d brushed it off then. Couldn’t even stomach the idea of dragging Xander into my shit. But now it presses into me with the weight of truth.

“He’s the best thing to ever happen to me,” I admit, like the words are dangerous and fragile.

Adam chuckles, not mocking, but warm...almost proud. Then he tilts his head, eyes sharper. “Think he’ll be more intimidated by me now, knowing I’m an ex-con? He looked like he wanted to deck me the first time we met.”

A laugh bursts out of me before I can choke it down, short and unguarded. Adam stills, like he’s not sure what he just witnessed. Then he smiles. “Didn’t know you were even capable of laughter.” He lets the quiet stretch a moment before softly adding, “Yeah. He’s definitely good for you.”

And I sit there, thinking he has no idea how true that is. Because if Xander wasn’t here, I’m not sure there’d be anything left of me worth sitting in this chair.

I spend the next few hours in Adam’s office, pretending to read whatever book I pulled off his shelf, but then I end up reading every single text Xander's ever sent like it’s scripture. My fingers brushing over the screen, rereading lines that are just him, his voice in words, and still they make my chest tighten. I catch myself smiling more than once, that faint, unguarded kind that slips before I can stop it. And I don’t miss Adam’s looks. Those sidelong glances that say “...*you're gone and you done even care who notices*.” He’s not wrong.

When lunch rolls around, he stretches his arms, and says, “We could go grab something, it's on me.”

I push up from the chair before he even finishes. “I’ve got plans.”

He nods slowly, leans back like he knew it all along. “Of course. I was only the placeholder until the boyfriend got free.” The tone’s exaggerated, but the grin underneath is amused.

I make it halfway to the door before stopping, turning back. The words come out almost reluctant. “Thanks.... And maybe we can grab lunch another time.”

This time, he doesn’t fire back with something smug. He just blinks, quiet for a beat, then nods. “Oh...yeah, sure. I'd like that.”

But the grin comes anyway, slow and impossible to ignore. I shake my head, scowling. “Wipe that damn look off your face.”

His laugh follows me to the door, but I don’t let it stick. Because Xander’s waiting, and right now he’s the only thing I want filling the silence in my head.