Losing Control : His Madness, His Cure Chapter 217

I feel him shift beside me, sitting up straighter. His eyes flicker over me, studying and searching. It takes him a second to process it....to believe what he’s hearing. Then his voice lowers, carrying the weight of something delicate, something he’s been guarding, letting it slip into the air between us like it belongs there.

“Whenever you want.”

I nod, eyes on the horizon, the tide pulling at the edges of the shore. “Next week?”

He nods too, a breath leaving him like relief and ache tangled together. “Next week sounds great.”

I turn then, leaning in until my forehead rests against his. For a moment, we just breathe the same air. Then I kiss him. Softly at first. Just once. But the world stills around it, and when I go back in....slower this time, it feels like every fear I’ve ever carried has been washed away by the simplest, quietest truth.... that he’s here, and I’m here, and that’s enough.

When I lean back, I think about his mum’s paintings. And then I think about all the almosts in my own life. There are plenty. But when she asked me about my most recent one, only one came to mind.

Me, standing near that cemetery.

Wanting to step closer. Telling myself maybe next time. And then the next time comes, and I almost do it again.

It’s always almost.

I shift closer, the sand sinking beneath us, and rest my head against Xander’s shoulder. He lets out a quiet chuckle, wrapping his arm around me, thumb brushing against my arm.

“You okay?” he asks, tender. “My sad playlist getting to you?”

I huff out a breath that could almost pass for a laugh. “Do you genuinely think there’s hope for me?” I stare out at the waves. “Because I don’t think I’ll be able to do this unless you do.”

He’s quiet for a second, then says softly, “I know there is. Things are good now, but they can get even better. So much better.”

“Yeah?” I ask, the word barely more than a whisper. I need to hear it from him because somehow, he’s become the only voice my mind can trust, the only sound that cuts through the mountain of doubt and fear. Hearing him say it will make the world feel possible again, it'll give me hope, the kind that anchors itself in your chest and refuses to let go.

“Definitely,” he confirms, just as quiet. Then, after a pause, “You know what I wish for the most? Other than your happiness?”

I turn my head a little, eyes searching his face. “What?”

“For you to embrace all the good things in life. To reach for them.” His voice sounds steady enough, but there’s something trembling underneath it. “I want you to stop drowning in your dreams, Jax. Start chasing them instead.”

His words hurt, but in that good way. Like a door I thought had been sealed shut for years, finally cracking open somewhere deep inside me, letting in light I didn’t know I’d been starving for.

After a while, I ask, “What if I can’t be fixed? What if I’ll never be able to give you everything you want?”

He doesn’t even hesitate. “You *are* everything I want.”

My throat tightens.

“Anything else would just be a bonus,” he adds. “I’d like it, sure. But I could live without it.” His voice breaks slightly then, the way it always does when he means something too much. “You on the other hand, I desperately need.”

He exhales slowly, the sound almost lost in the wind. “ And for the record, I’m already so fucking proud of you.” His thumb traces a slow circle on my arm. “Okay?”

I search for something deep, something that could hold every fragment of me, every piece I’ve never said out loud. But my mind can’t catch it, my voice can’t shape it. So I settle for the one thing that always carries it all, heavy and impossible in its simplicity.

“I love you.”

He smiles, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. And for a moment, the world feels small enough to hold in my hands. He pulls the AirPods out of both our ears after the song ends, tucking them away. He calls over Damien, handing him the small case and both our phones, and then he’s on his feet before I even realize it, grabbing my hand and pulling me up.

“Come on,” he says, tugging me along.

I freeze, planting my feet in the sand when I realize his intentions. “Wait, what are you...”

“Don’t be a coward,” he cuts in, grinning. “Even Gabriel's not scared to get in.”

I glance at the water. My mind starts running through every possible way this could end in disaster. I try to pull back, but his grip is iron. Using all the strength he has, he starts dragging me toward the waves. My protests finally dissolve into laughter mixed with panic.

The first splash hits my ankles. “Fuck, that's cold!” I yell, wincing as the water bites at my skin.

“Just a little further,” he says, eyes sparkling and I follow, shivering, cursing under my breath. The water climbs higher, biting at my waist, and I curse again, though his laughter makes it hard to stay angry. Then, without warning, he tackles me. I shout, and we both go down, plunging into the water together. Cold hits every inch of me, and for a moment I can’t breathe from the shock.

When I resurface, gasping, Xander’s right there, water dripping off his hair, grinning and smugly proud of himself. I shove at him playfully, and he shoves back as the waves crash over us.

“You’re a jerk,” I say, splashing water at him. He laughs, dodging most of it. “You can't come to the beach and stay dry, that makes no damn sense. ”

“I agreed to walk into the water, not get tackled!” I retort, shaking my head, though there's laughter in my chest. He leans closer, eyes sparkling. Without warning, he presses a quick, playful kiss to my lips. “Better?”

“One more,” I murmur, “and I’ll think about it.”

He smirks and leans in again, this time slower. I press him flush against me, letting the world shrink until it’s just us. I deepen the kiss, letting him lose himself, completely absorbed, and when I know he’s not expecting it, I shove him.

He goes sprawling into the shallow water with a splash, and I can’t help the laugh that bursts out of me.

“Oh! You’re so fucking dead for that!” he shouts, water dripping off him, eyes blazing with mock rage.

“I thought you said staying dry wasn’t an option,” I tease, holding out an arm to keep him at bay as he lunges at me. He just grins, shrugging off my attempt, and suddenly our bodies are bumping against each other as we wrestle in the shallow surf.

Somewhere in the middle of it all, I find myself thinking, so this is what it feels like to exist without anything gnawing at me, without the weight of fear or doubt pressing in. Just this. The sun on my skin, the salt on my lips and the sound of him laughing beside me.

So this is what it feels like to be completely and unapologetically alive....