Losing Control : His Madness, His Cure Chapter 19

“All I’m saying is,” she continues, “you don’t have to be alone just because you haven’t found someone conventionally acceptable. Find someone unconventionally perfect. I don’t care if he wears heels and eyeliner or communes with ravens. As long as he loves you in a genuine way. You were made to be felt.”

Oh, I've been felt, alright.

" I hear you. "

“Well, you'd better. Say hi to Addy and Layla, your boss as well. Tell them to watch over my baby for me, and I haven’t forgotten they exist.”

She's only ever met them once, but makes sure to mention them whenever we talk.

“They’ll be thrilled.”

“And Xander?”

“Yeah?”

She softens. I can feel it through the line. “I know I’m annoying. But I love you.”

I smile, the kind that tugs at something inside me. “ I love you too, Mum.”

We hang up, and I toss my phone on the table, and say, “My mum says hi.”

Layla practically melts into the couch. “Ugh. I’m sorry, there is no way you didn’t get to pick your own parents in some cosmic pre-birth deal. It’s unnatural.”

Addy grins, nodding like she agrees.

I scoff. “Please. You’ve met my mum once and she had you both in a thirty-minute death grip talking about how I didn’t crawl until I was almost two. How quickly we forget.”

“She cared,” Layla says, placing a hand dramatically over her heart. “That's rare, but considering the mother I was cursed with, literally anyone sounds like an upgrade.”

I shake my head, then Layla’s phone rings. She glances at it and lights up like a goddamn sunrise. “It’s Adam.”

Of course it is.

She picks up, already halfway smiling through her teeth. Her voice goes all gooey and sweet, asking for Adam's verdict on some weird debate she and Addy were having over red velvet cake. and I try not to roll my eyes into the next dimension. I’m happy for her...I really am. But there's this quiet weight that drops into my chest every time I see people like this. My siblings included. I’ve long since accepted I might never know what that feels like. Not just the relationship thing, I'm not greedy, but the safe certainty of it. The comfort. The ease.

It’s harder when you're gay, sure. Harder when you can’t even find someone who piques your interest, let alone makes your neurons misfire in that romcom kind of way.

I’m staring at a crack in the ceiling when Layla mentions my and Addy's name, I turn to her. Then after a while, she suddenly says, “ Guys! He wants to take us to dinner tonight!"

I blink.

Addy practically cheers like someone just offered her an all-you-can-eat buffet of expensive cocktails and tiny appetizers.

But me? I just sit there and frown. Because... That’s too random.

Adam doesn't strike me as the spontaneous date type.

I glance at my phone again.

Could just be coincidence. Could be Adam's just being thoughtful. He seems like the type of guy who has morals. A functioning conscience. Logic. But also, he's somehow friends with Jax, which I'll never understand. And that alone isn’t exactly a glowing reference.

So yeah, I keep my mouth shut. But I keep frowning too. Because I’ve got a weird feeling about this.

********

I make the decision sometime around 4:35 p.m. I’ll fake exhaustion. Easy enough, God knows I’m pale enough to look permanently sleep-deprived. I’ll mumble something about migraines, sprinkle in a few groans, maybe even a tragic wince. Layla and Addy will let it slide. They’ll roll their eyes, call me dramatic, and still go without me. Simple.

Only, of course, nothing’s ever simple when you’re friends with a chaos demon and her morally flexible sidekick.

By the time 6:00 rolls around, I’ve executed my plan to perfection, down to the convincing yawn.....when Layla squints at me like I’ve just grown a second head.

“You’re not getting out of this,” she says flatly.

“I’m literally dying,” I argue, hand to forehead. “There’s a white light, Layla. I’m walking toward it.”

Addy marches across the shop, and before I can react, snatches my phone clean out of my hand and dips it down her shirt.

“Addy!”

“You’re not getting it back,” she announces, chest puffed like she’s about to deliver a TED Talk on personal boundaries she has no intention of respecting.

“I will snatch it,” I growl.

“Do it,” she grins, daring. “I swear to God, Xander, do it. Let’s see how committed you are to dignity.”

I stare at her. She stares back. Layla hums the Jaws theme in the background.

“Fuck both of you,” I mutter, because there’s really no other response when your phone is held hostage between boobs.

Which is how I end up in Layla’s apartment, waiting for Adam to pick us up. The girls vanish to change because of course they do. I sit on the arm of the couch, tapping my foot like I’m trying to keep time with my own cardiac arrest. I can’t sit still. I try. I do. But my heart’s beating like it’s in a punk band with performance anxiety and I can’t figure out why. It's not nerves, I'm not nervous. This isn’t freaking nerves.

This is... anticipation.

Which is worse.

Because at least nerves would mean I’m afraid. But anticipation means I want something. And that’s the part that makes me want to crawl out of my skin and into a wall.

I lean back, rubbing my palm against my thigh, grounding myself. It doesn’t help. Just conjures his face. That damn jawline. The way he watches people like he’s waiting for them to slip. That mouth. Jesus. That mouth.

I hate this.

I hate that I’m this aware. That I can feel every damn cell in my body prickle like it’s preparing for something I haven’t even admitted out loud.

Why the fuck would I feel this?

The door creaks open behind me, and Addy prances out in a green dress. Layla follows in a skintight black one and eyeliner sharp enough to maim. I’m probably gonna look completely out of place in my gray button-down and dark jeans.

Layla looks me over like a disappointed mother.

“You look like you’re going to a wake. You could at least try to seem excited. I know you're still not Adam's biggest fan, but he just wants to get to know you guys.”

That makes me feel bad, so I suck it up and tell her she's right, then apologize for being a jerk.

“ Good! Now let's go, we've kept the guy waiting long enough. ” Addy chirps, handing back my phone that was still held hostage in her cleavage like some kind of floral holster.

I hesitate, for a second. Something in me clenches...low, tight and familiar in a way I can’t name. Eventually, I stand. My heart’s still beating too fast. Still doesn’t feel natural.

Still doesn’t feel wrong either.