Logan Chapter 54

-Emory-

I have a decision to make. I put up a finger to Logan as I bite my lip to let him know I’m not saying no yet, but I’m not saying yes yet, either. If I jump into this bed with Logan, I’m consenting to the mate bond and all it entails. I’m jumping into his world with him. Everything up until now has felt like I still had a back door. I could go back to my apartment. I could start job hunting. I could go back to the way I felt before I let Logan in my door in his wolf form. That part makes it both easier and harder, in a way.

I might not live through actually breaking up with Logan. I want to live, so I should be with him. But also, don’t we both deserve better than being with each other out of survival alone? I’ve moved past whether or not I’ll forgive Logan. He’s just as clueless as I am and we have to be in this together. But accepting the mate bond is a whole nother nother.

I can see Logan decide to be patient with me on this, as he nods to himself and has a seat on the bed. His confidence in himself is amazing. I know he’s lived deeply enough in the human world for long enough to know that we operate a little less instinctively than it sounds like his pack is used to. I just don’t know about basing my whole life on my arousal in this minute. To be fair to myself, it sounded like everything will be settled at the full moon ceremony. Maybe I can have my cake and eat it, too?

At the thought of cake, my stomach grumbles. We’ve been running around ever since Logan shifted, trying to put out fires and take care of his people, and now that we have a moment to ourselves I’m realizing that we haven’t eaten since I had breakfast this morning. A quick glance at the window shows that it’s almost dark out. Days aren’t exactly long at the beginning of March, but lunchtime came and went long ago.

Logan shoots me a rueful grin. “Sounds like you might be hungry. Why don’t we take care of that while you think through things a little more. Is there anything you want to talk through with me?”

He stands and offers me his hand so he can lead me back to the kitchen. As I take it, I tell him what’s actually bugging me. “I’m just tripping on the concept of forever, I guess. Which decision is the one that makes this permanent? Which decision is the point of no return? We’ve already had sex, true, so does that mean more sex won’t hurt? Or does it matter now that I know what’s going on between us? I guess I would just feel better if I knew the rules.”

Logan laughs at the reminder of my rule-following ways, but then he sobers. “Emory… forever started for me the second I smelled you. Did you not feel how electric our first touch was? It’s done for me. I’m not sure how it works for humans- truly, no one is completely sure how it works at all- but from what I’ve seen of you… I think we’re already in it. I think the only choices now are whether to fight it or ride it. At least until the full moon. No one knows for sure what happens then, but the elders seem to think we’ll get a little bit of a respite. I guess what I’m getting at is that nothing we do makes it permanent. It was always going to be that way. Does that… help?” No. No it does not. I can feel my heart racing at the thought that I signed up for forever with a man I didn’t know just by existing in the same space as him. How is that fair? There was no warning, no ‘exit here if you don’t want an inescapable husband!’ It was unavoidable! He could have been anyone I ever ran into.

There are no rules. Oh shit, there are no rules. My heartbeat sounds like helicopter blades in my ears, and my vision is tunneling. “Am I… having a panic attack?”

Logan pulls my forehead to his chest. “Breathe with me, Emory. In for four, pause for four, out for four. Ready? With me, now.” He taps out the count on my back as we breathe together until I get ahold of myself again. “What happened there, baby? Do you have a lot of panic attacks?”

“What happened? What happened?! You spring this forever’s gonna start tonight bullshit on me and you expect Calm, Cool, Colleen? No, I don’t often have panic attacks, you ass!” Logan has the grace to look embarrassed at that, even after I smack his chest. He’s still an ass. He makes my accent come out more than anyone else I’ve ever known. Besides Hunter, anyway. Something about little siblings just automatically sets older siblings’ gears to ‘grind.’

“That’s fair enough. I’m sorry. It’s hard to remember you don’t have someone cheering on every step forward in the back of your head.” I find myself relaxing under his hands gently stroking down my back and arms. I can’t get over how comforting his presence is. “I guess it’s a bit like having multiple personalities, if one of them was as smart as a very intuitive toddler. You’ve met my wolf, he already loves you and has from the first second. I guess it’s easier for me to… go along with the rest of it, because of that.”

“Your side makes sense, too. I’m sorry for panicking. I swear, it’s nothing against you in particular. It’s just a big change with not a lot of choice behind it. I hope you’re not offended?” I tilt my head back to finally look him in the eyes, thankfully, he’s smiling down at me instead of frowning.

“Nothing to forgive, little rose. Now, where were we?”

A relieved sigh escapes me. “I believe you were just about to feed me, actually.”