Mine to Protect Chapter 117: GUILT

*Derek*

That day, after I killed Emma, I managed to get in touch with Damon, and he told me where Hazel was, and that she was in heat. I gave it my whole to get there as soon as possible for her, I kept running without resting, eating or drinking, I strained myself to my limits, my only thought was to be there for her. And when I got there, she was kissing Lukas, and she was grinding on him. In that exact moment my heart broke and I was filled with a fury never experienced before, I wanted to kill them both on the spot, and if it weren’t for Damon, maybe I would have.

Then I ran home and came up here, I started to break everything, I didn’t want anything to be left untouched, I wanted to destroy any memory of us.

Now everything is in pieces, but the memories are still there, and they still hurt; only now I don’t feel angry anymore, now I feel hollow, heartbroken and drained.

I sit there for I don’t know how long, letting the memories of us come to life in this space, the memory of our fight over that stupid dance, our first night together, me marking her, she marking me, the nights spent hugging her wolf after her parents died, and all the teasing and the arguments.

What would I give to go back to that time, when we were still happy and in love?

Tears run down my face, I have seldom cried in my life, but today is a day of doom, a day to let the tears fall, let them sweep away some of my pain, before it drowns me.

*Hazel*

I was not prepared for the pain of the rejection, it’s like someone sank his claws into my chest, grabbed my heart and slowly started squeezing it until it crushed into millions of tiny bloody pieces.

I am sure that Derek felt the same, I saw him go down on his knees, a hand pressed to his chest, like he was trying to hold it in. Seeing him like that made me feel even worse, I was hurting him again, delivering the worst kind of blow, something he could not protect himself from.

Then his hurt turned into rage, and in that moment, I thought he would kill me, and I should have let him, because the pain of this heartbreak is killing me slowly and I would have preferred a faster death.

I am so stupid, I rejected him because I could not take his hate anymore, I wanted out, wanted to be myself again, not the shell I had become, but now, after the rejection everything just got worse. The guilt, the longing for a mate who despises me, the sadness, my fears, everything is heightened; it's like my emotions are tempest constantly raging inside me, and I can’t find a way to calm them.

Two days have passed since the rejection.

That day, Damon kindly arranged for the driver to take me to a hotel, he put security in place and assured me that he will not let Derek know the location.

I don't know why he is helping me; he is Derek’s Beta, he should be on Derek’s side. I am not his Luna anymore, so he has no responsibility towards me. Maybe, he just has a big heart.

A knock on the door, I open up and see that it is Damon; he lets himself in, without waiting for my invitation.

“Hey, there. You look like shit, if you don’t mind me saying it,” he says playfully. Always the charmer.

“I obviously do mind, but I know you'll say it anyway. How is he?”

I can’t refrain from asking, even though I know I am putting myself up for more guilt, in a way, maybe I am just trying to punish myself for what I have done.

“What do you think?” he replies sighing heavily. “The entire pack is in chaos, knowing that they have lost their Luna.”

I cock a brow.

“Yeah, most probably they are throwing a huge party, since the majority of them just plainly hated me. “

Damon smirks.

“There are also the ones who liked you. Like Rose, she took the news really badly, the doctor had to put her on bed rest for one week.”

My hands fly up to cover my mouth at the news, I never wanted to hurt sweet Rose, or to cause her harm. My guilt levels spike to new heights, and I start to doubt my decision again. Was I wrong in rejecting Derek? Should I have waited longer for him? The image of the day he abused me in his office surface back, steeling my resolve, I have made the right decision, no one should go through that kind of degrading experience. That day he made me feel like I was trash, like I held no value, and I can’t let him do that again.

“Why does it hurt so much, Damon? Why I still want him so badly? I can’t think about anything but him, and the pain of being apart.”

“Because he hasn’t accepted your rejection, the bond has been damaged, but it’s not completely broken. You can still fix it.”

I look at him blankly.

“No, I am not going back on my decision, I can’t be with him anymore. I just hope these feelings will wind down in the future, because it just hurts too much.”

“So, if you are not going back, what are your plans for the future?”

“I honestly haven't thought that far, I don’t know what I am supposed to do now. But, Damon, why are you helping me, I mean, I am not your Luna anymore, you have no duty to help me.”

He cocks his head to the side, watching me intensely with his sparkling grey eyes.

“I made a promise to your parents that I will protect you with my life, and I always honor my promises. Plus, you are like the little sister I never had.”

He’s smiling, but I feel like I want to cry, I am not worthy of his help and kindness.

“You don’t need to keep that promise, they are dead, they won’t hold you to that. Plus, I don’t think Derek would be ok with this, he hates me, and you are his Beta; I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me,” I reply with sincerity, not wanting to burden him with something he has no responsibility for.

He looks at me for a while, without saying anything, making me feel a little uncomfortable. Then he combs one hand through his hair, messing them up and breaking eye contact.

“Are you saying that you don’t want anything to do with me, because I am Derek’s Beta?” he asks, looking me again in the eyes, his voice serious.

“That’s not it, Damon, I just feel like I don’t deserve your help. I am the one who messed everything up, I made the mistake that brought us here today, I am the one to blame, so, you helping me, makes me feel even more guilty. It’s like, I am making you betray Derek, like I am taking something else away from him.”

He frowns, looking at me like I have grown two heads.

“Dammit, Hazel, you need to get your brain checked, it works in a strange way, it’s not normal, maybe it got damaged during one of your battles.”

I glared at him in response. I am pouring my heart out to him, and he says I am brain damaged!

“I am helping both you and him, so you are not taking anything from him. I am like a secret double agent, with my own agenda, which is getting you two back to your feet. And, in the future, who knows, maybe you will find it in your heart to forgive a certain Alpha and be again our Luna. That place will always be rightfully yours.”

His last sentence makes me look at my feet, guilt making it impossible to keep my gaze up.