Her CEO Stalker and Her Second Chance Mate Chapter 72

Briar

I had left this morning giddy, but that all went south as I tried to lose myself in work. Carter didn’t deserve to have to deal with this broken part of me, no matter how much I wanted him to be the one who helped make me feel again. The numbness had returned with my guilt. It felt like Creedon’s claws sinking into me all over again. No matter how much Carter wanted to be this light that drew me from the darkness, he wouldn’t understand, unless I told him how deep the trauma had set in; I was just realizing it myself. Over the last few weeks, the strength I had gained in my body had given me a false sense of hopefulness. My train of thought after this morning had spiraled. I hadn’t wanted to face him as I tried to process it all. He saw too much.

He pulled the chicken fried steak from in front of me and shoved the burger in its place. I rolled my eyes, he knew me too well, but for once, I wasn’t trying to mask it. There wasn’t a point with him, it was like he was always trying to pull me out of the hole before I got there, and now that he found me in it, I was digging my heels in because it was only fair he saw it for what it was.

We ate quietly and when I couldn’t force another bite down. I pushed the rest of my fries at him. He just shut the box and stacked it with his empty one.

“Briar, what gives? Did I push you too far?”

“No, it’s not you,”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s not something easy for me to talk about. I told you some of it, but I feel I owe you the entire truth, that’s what’s weighing on me. I can’t help but think you don’t know what you're getting into with me, how messed up in the head I am over it all. Any amount of joy gets tainted by thoughts of him, and I don’t get it, I never really fell in love with him. After what he did to me, my thoughts should be to leave those memories in the dust and move on, and it’s not just because of what he did to me. It’s like he is this dark cloud hanging over me. He took so much.”

“How about you tell me then?”

“I don’t want your pity,”

“Then I won’t give you any, but whatever is eating at you, I’d rather you get it out then ghost me and try to manage it on your own, or assume how I feel about it.” 

I swallowed hard, then nodded. “I don’t know what he drugged me with, but I was still partially lucid through it all; it made me weak, barely able to move. Things were foggy, but when I relive it in my dreams, it’s clearer, and I don’t know if it’s a memory, or a figment of my imagination.” Carter took my hand, drawing soothing circles with his thumb. Something about the gesture gave me the strength to continue.

“I didn’t have any recollection of time, but it felt like longer than it was, for how often he visited me and…forced me,” I couldn’t bring myself to use the term rape, though I knew that was what it was. “He and I hadn’t actually had sex before, I always brushed him off so he stole that from me too; not just my ability to say no,” I paused, and I knew I needed to be clearer. “I’d never given anyone that, and I would have given it to him, if things had transpired differently” Carter made a rough noise in his throat and swallowed it, most likely afraid I’d stop talking if he voiced his thoughts.

“When he did, he was cruel and punishing; it’s almost as if any sanity he had before was cut free. And I remember the pain coming from deeper within me than the physical pain, which I barely felt in the moment, like my mind couldn’t handle not just the brutality of it, but something on a more deeply ingrained level. It felt like fire in my veins objecting at his every touch, but when I dream, sometimes there is longing under that fire, burning through me with an ingrained need to submit to it, the cruelty. To fold in the moment, so all the pain will wash away, I don’t know what it means. This morning I was fine, and now, I feel guilty and dirty; not about what happened between us, but because you didn’t know the depth of how this all haunts me, because of the broken part of me conflicted about him. 

“It’s as if a part of me wants what it shouldn’t. My head is so messed up right now, and it’s not fair to you. I want to move on, but I feel like I’ll be forever tied to him. I don’t know what gave me the strength of mind finally to hide the drugs, and his visits like that, after I did, left me so numb, broken, everything was wrong, and that underlying feeling of want shifted to anger. That was the only thing that saved me, paralyzed by the convictions of something I can’t even begin to understand. It was like something rose up in me and said, ‘get up,’ or else I would have still been lying there. 

“The problem is, he will haunt every joy I try to find with you. Then I dream, or think of you, and as much as I want to let it all go, how much I want to feel things as they should be, this shame and guilt weigh me down, and that's not fair to you. I know you realize there is trauma, but I don’t think you understand how dark and twisted it is or how rudimentarily it is embedded in me. Every day I wake up, not only thankful to still be breathing, but dreading the next, because it’s all-consuming unless you're there blocking that shadow, and that’s too much for me to ask of you. It’s a weight you shouldn’t have to carry, and I need to stop asking you to do so. Everything you have done for me has been a blessing I hold deep in my heart, but I understand if all this is too much. I don’t know when, or if, I can ever get past it, as long as he is out there searching for me. Just knowing he still has breath keeps the mess in my head alive.”

Carter’s fingers interlaced with mine, and I forced myself to look at him. “I’m not letting you go, Briar. Try to push me away all you want, assume you're a burden, go ahead. Think that I haven’t come to know you well enough to see past all the tells I see each day, that let me know you are struggling. You have a right to your feelings, no matter how dark and twisted they are, and I don’t care how conflicted you are. I’m not here to let the villain win, and I’m not going to let him. I will stand in front of that shadow until it no longer exists, if that's what brings you peace.” His other hand cupped my cheek as his eyes bore into mine. “You may not know who you are anymore, Briar, but I see you clearly, and I’m going to say this one more time, and I don’t want to hear you bring it up again: I’m not here because I pity you, I’m here for you, however you need me, and you are making it through this. Stop worrying about what's fair to me. This is my choice to stand beside you, no matter what storms brew within you, or the ones that may show up at our doorsteps.”

I didn’t know what to say. My mouth opened to protest, but Carter just sealed his mouth over mine, and my body instantly relaxed into the kiss. I needed this man so damn bad, I thought he would walk away when I expressed my inner conflicts. Instead, his words were like a vow, and that spoke to the inner part of me; there was still hope as long as Carter was by my side.